Imbalance (off kilter)

I don’t think I have every started a topic, but I see lots of brave souls posting on the Openhead site, so here goes….
I have seen a common theme in people’s awaking and soul journey where they say they have felt apart from others around them, not really fitting in. For me I have always felt this way, as though I am present, but slightly off kilter with people around me. It is hard for me to put this into words, but the analogy I can use is square pegs and round holes, but for me it is more an oval peg in a round hole. Nearly there, but not quite.
During the recent Transfiguration I tried to connect from here in the UK and when going into the inner child and teenager this came up for me strongly. When I attended a Transfiguration a few years ago I had a massive realisation. As a young child I was unable to be close to my family or to make friendships. I thought this was their rejection, but the realisation was the issue was in fact due to me. They were frustrated by the inability to understand me, and my inability to communicate clearly.
Although I function well enough in society and now have a great relationship with my family,and friends, it is something I accept as my ‘thing’. My mother told me that when I was about fourteen it was if I became a different person overnight and there was a shift where I was able to socialise more than when I was younger. As an adult I went through my thirties before I could face being in a social situation on my own without feeling excruciating fear of not knowing what to say. This was unseen by those around me, but inside it was so difficult.
I still have this imbalance, and I still find my inability to communicate emotionally is still there, and has been noticeable on the Openhand courses I have attended, where despite massive shifts spiritually, and gaining massive insites, I still struggle to express myself. I see marvellous sharing’s by others on the courses, and on the web site, but my words seem almost there, but not quite and land flat. These are observations, and I am okay with it, although I would love to be able break through whatever barrier stops me.
Openhand enabled me to peel of numerous layers, for which I am so grateful, and I strive to find self realisation, however slow that process is. I guess I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or might have some thoughts on why people can be so closed down in relation to others?
I will continue on my journey, and what it does mean is I get great joy when there is a glimmer of light, or when a realisation lands, and another layer peels away. Mark

Comments

Hi Mark - great to hear from you - wonderful that you're being brave and 'stepping out' with your expression *OK*

First thing - your post sounds very articulate indeed, so you come across in this format very tuned into your process.

So maybe it's emotionally in connecting with people face to face that's more the issue?

You're a beautiful soul with an incredibly friendly, helpful and accommodating nature.

If I was to feel where you might start to look, it would be in this last point. Often our greatest gifts also conceal our distortions/weaknesses.

So potentially, with someone who is so wonderfully accommodating (strong ray 4), there's a tendency to override their own soul. It then becomes difficult to express because the soul gets buried a degree - so aspects (various other rays) might then be retarded from coming through.

I would explore in this area. How might you do that?

By working to honour your flow and your boundaries more, especially around other people. If you do this, it's likely to activate discomfort. And if so, that would be exactly the area to confront and work through. I'd say this might be where you find those nuggets of emotional soul gold!

Sending love

Open *give_rose*

Hi Open, thanks for giving me some valuable pointers.
Over the years I have had that situation where I have helped people, particularly in work, and then been frustrated when I needed the help from the same people, it would not be reciprocated and I would feel a 'mug'. I would then resolve to be tougher and not so helpful, but as I was not resolving the underlying imbalance, it would not feel authentic and I would drift back.
I do see that there should be a pause before I commit to something, and observe my reaction.
People know say I am very confident with people, and will talk to anyone. and have been able to overcome my original social terror in casual situations, but I do struggle when the interaction becomes personal and deeper. It is like a contradiction where I am okay to to get up in front of others and not worry if I make a fool of myself, but on a one to one I feel the contractions.

So I begin again, but with a positive heart, to start to release the other rays, and will see where it leads me. Thank you so much. Mark