Open, funny that you posted "The Laughing Heart" Bukowski poem over in another thread today, because that's exactly where I finally ended up after some intense processing the other day. It took just getting up to music to express soul movement however it wanted to come through, and all of a sudden my whole body locked up and doubled over in solar plexus pain, along with sudden unexpected tearing heart pain. The heart pain hit with the simultaneous realization of just having celebrated my dad's birthday on 9/11, twin tower imagery, and black snake imagery constricting my inner sun. From there I staggered around looking for someplace to implode, landing on my couch and asking to go right into it. This scene landed in awareness, in the context that Leonardo DiCaprio has to see through his own false mental projection of his twin flame in order to move forward with the reality of his choosing. The two children at the end even match the age gap/gender of my own...

Then I realized it's not about being in or not being in a relationship with someone that's the issue - the issue is my FEAR of losing the all encompassing "Her." It's the fear itself I must go into. So the soul impulse lands to play U2's With Or Without You, and it stokes indignant anger towards the cosmic Father that I'm being asked to sacrifice and give up everything. That anything I love, I must let go of. Everything I love, dies. Everything I do, is never enough.

But the realization lands: I'm not being asked to "do" anything - to stay or leave - except to be true to my Self, from whence actions flow quite naturally. So I'm really being "asked" to let go of the physical, mental, and emotional attachments because these are what tie in consciousness to lower levels of awareness. It's not the "wrong" place to be or anything, but since my soul is pushing/pulling me to awareness of higher realms, FACING FEAR IS THE PATH.

When I re-realize for the thousandth time that everything in daily life is a creative reflection of my core Self/Twin Flame that is ALREADY at the Source and IS my Source, and She is lovingly, inexhaustibly, perfectly drawing me back, I can't help but start laughing uncontrollably. It's like a massive necessary universal joke at "my" expense. Then I'm crying and grieving for buying into it. Then laughing again. Then both happening at the same time, for a long time, and I am witnessing all of it as a non-judgmental presence with a perfect little compassionate dose of mirth/joy/humour. The Laughing Heart. Upon that realization/conscious embodiment I felt a blockage release from my base chakra, and my lower back heated up like crazy. It's been really hot off and on ever since.

Also, as a nice feedback loop for your Toroidal Flow article, The Flow manifested in daily life immediately. :) My phone rang from an old client from my banking days who is the very epitome of Ray 1 and 3. Ego wanted to ignore it and put him to voicemail, Soul was curious with nothing more to lose. Soul naturally won, and after we caught up for a while I had some consulting advice to share that he found very valuable. In the meantime, I'm the sponsorship fundraising chair for a community event happening just two weeks from now and fundraising I've been spearheading has been really lackluster. I'd already resigned to facing up to the disappointment of my peers in coming up way short. But I told him about the event anyway, not expecting anything since it’s so last minute and his business is two counties away, and he immediately said, "I want to be the Presenting Sponsor." Holy crap - now we're right on track for a highly successful event with proceeds going into grassroots community non-profits!