Dear Openhand,

although it's been quite hard to get into writing this, I didn't want to miss a proper reflection on an event this time - so better late than never.

I would start with describing the weeks after the retreat. Visiting groceries and similar places was a true spectacle. Seeing endless racks of useless poisonous shit produced just to placate emotional holes we carry. I was looking at it all truly astonished. However, I have to say my judgement of the Matrix and other people decreased. I have been more sad than judgemental seeing zombies looking into their phones even during walking. I noticed I have been observing people in public and somehow tuning into how much pain they will go through in the Shift. Like noticing them and on top of them their made up identities which will get obliterated with the Shift. And I guess feeling a bit into that (as much as I can do).

Gradually, after leaving Cae Mabon, I was descending into a strong depression and hopelessness. My bet would be it was about the pain of existence (with a pinch of abandonment). Leaving the experience of what could be and throwing myself back into the usual environment of the system. Seeing it now a bit more for what it is. And also recognising more how deceitful and sophisticated it all is - how strongly it can bring you back, suppress you, knot you back into your conditionings. At the OH events I feel like 'how could I ever be any other way' and then I leave all those energies and I start getting gaslighted and suppressed by the system back into old conditioning and inertia. Every single time. But I know the right question is 'How am I suppressing myself?' or 'How am I still clinging and refusing to let go?' - as I noticed even during the retreat on a few occasions that there is still some hesitancy to completely let go of everything (sweat lodge as an example).

Along with the depression came a lot of tiredness - physical, mental, emotional. When I got back from travelling Wales into having a wifi and being away from nature, I slipped into binging social media and youtube videos - clearly recognising I don't even want to do it and there is no joy in that. After getting back home to Prague, I was doing the same with food (mostly sweet stuff). Somehow I recognise that at the most painful moments, I still slip into some habit/distraction instead of having the power to just sit in stillness. There is some inquiry around that which I am observing and trying to get more clarity about.

What didn't help to my experience after the retreat was the debts that were awaiting me. In my situation of the last months of having to actively search for how to get enough money for my survival, I managed to get just about enough to pay for the bursary option of Divinicus. That money, though, could finally provide me some stability of not needing to figure out the next two months. You know how that turned out...

Over the last months I increasingly started to perceive the right action and more importantly, lean into it no matter the consequences. Every single month so far I have managed to get through. There has always been something 'randomly' coming as an opportunity. After months of actually waiting for some stability to come, I started to realise - there can be no stability in instability! And every single time I did what I perceived as right action (now caring less and less about the 'rationality' of that action and its' consequences), miracles started happening.

So there was really no other option for me than to finally come to terrestrial retreat when being called there. No wonder why when I was choosing a single book to pack, my partner hinted that she feels I should take with me 'Courage is Calling' (in the end I took 'When Things Fall Apart'). No wonder that word 'courage' has been resonating through my being all these months and surfacing up on Divinicus, too.

And what a fucking experience! It's not really possible to put into words for me. First of all, it truly isn't only about the retreat but everything else before and after. My retreat started when I sent out the question 'How could I get enough money to get there?'. It was also during my retreat when I decided that it's right to walk from Bangor to Cae Mabon. It just felt right. Trying to get some help on Bangor train station and getting responses from the station's employees like 'You're walking there? Bloody hell!'' was not really motivating :) But what words or reactions can possibly stop you when you are sure you have to do the right thing? None.

At that moment when there was no other option for me and I was constrained by no extra time to spare, low phone battery and a heavy backpack on my back, there was no time for mind chatter. It suddenly was only pure commitment to the path - left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot - and nothing else. For me it felt very similar to experiences from Chris' stories in the Breakthrough book. And when there was a little space for any relief, there jumped the mind chatter again. That's another big inquiry for me on how to bring this commitment into other areas of my life. Because in the Shift, it's the very same thing - I don't see having any spare time for anything else than walking the path.

The other word that I would use to describe Divinicus for me is 'blueprint'. There are things which I don't remember and some more might get forgotten. But how I perceive this experience is that I had an opportunity to experience what could be. Something that got unlocked for/in me as a possible opportunity and that I can progressively move towards in my life. Why would you change any of that for cheap flashy and loud toys of the Matrix?

I could go on further and try to find the words for what happened during the retreat but I don't think it would do it any justice at this point (not with my English:D). I can only say that I am deeply grateful to Openhand and to every single soul that was a part of this process and who either gave me the opportunity to experience it or who experienced it with me there. Without any intentioning, I will only feel joyful if I get any other similar opportunity in future.

With love,
Dominik