Very timely for me too Open. Thank you.

Last Thursday night I suddenly began experiencing sharp heart pain in my chest. For three hours it came in waves. I had never experienced symptoms like that before and was worried I could be having an actual heart attack. My father’s side does have that history. Almost went to the hospital, but my gut told me it was heartburn related to the fact that I’d fasted for the last 24 hours and then went nuts on dinner earlier that night. Reveling in the physicality indeed.

Many lessons learned from spending those three hours in fear of dying of a heart attack - breathing deeply and allowing myself to feel as much as possible, kissing my sleeping daughter for what felt like the last time, feeling immense shame for leaving my wife and family without a father, feeling angry at my own lack of control, feeling like I wasn’t ready to die and hadn’t completed the “mission,” whatever that is. I can feel the same tightness in my chest again now..

The next day I ate mindfully and in balance. But that night at the exact same time of the evening, this time my lips, tongue, and throat began to swell up! I haven’t ever experienced an allergic food reaction, but for some reason avocado did it. An antihistamine brought it back down after 45 minutes - but it was another 45 minutes experiencing the same feelings of the night before. This time constricted breath instead of constricted heart.

(here I continue to sit with constricted chest and lump in throat and tension in solar plexus writing this)..

I didn’t find alone time for a couple days and was simmering with anger internally over the weekend. Contained it as much as I could in my daily interactions. Finally allowed myself to go into the feelings of both experiences yesterday — and it was like a scene out of The Exorcist. Like a spitting writhing consciousness in me who was me simultaneously spitting obscenities and grief and rage. A primal upwelling of “GET OUT” emerged and I felt energy in my lower back followed by calm.

Drawn to your shower meditation and visualizing the density washing down out of my feet. The Bell Chant helped me let go some as well. A couple of the bell peals froze me in what felt like animated stillness.

My heart is so heavy as I type this and there is still much rage here. I’m scared it will consume me. It feels like father figure energy distorted into extreme consumption. Rape. A crow just cawed at me. Yup.

I keep getting this image from The Matrix where Agent Smith goes, “They’re not out yet.”

Thanks for holding the space. I’ll continue to apply these tools.