I am supposed to be working right now, but my mind is overrun by spirit. I am hoping that maybe posting some of my thoughts and experiences might benefit someone who is on a similar journey and would help me redirect my mind so that I can do the work that I get paid to do ;)

Lately I have pondered what the expression of me is in relation to what I express. A piece of music is an expression of oneself, whether you compose it or just admire it. The human construct and world around you is a direct mirror and/or manifestation of the experience you are having within your spirit body. The joy you create can expand to any extent or can deteriorate significantly if not vigilant of the constant cultivation of spirit needed to remain in your highest light. If you feel hopeless or insignificant that is how you will experience yourself, but if you feel beautiful and light filled that will be your experience of yourself.

I used to think that I had to be the MOST humble person at all times and only allowed myself to take pride in things that served others. Upon deep reflection of my character defects, however, I found that having that level of humility actually becomes hubris. In all things balance is the key. Chakras, flowing and balanced unifies you with spirit, a well “balanced” diet keeps you healthy, they call having multiple responsibilities a “balancing act”…the list goes on.

Recently, through my quickening awakening process, I was experiencing such joy (even the sky and the sun and the green all around me was more intensely beautiful than I had already thought it was before). I saw some clouds (not at all unusual in the Pacific Northwest) and literally laughed out loud from the abundant joy viewing them brought to my heart. A few times I caught myself thinking “this can’t go on forever, I cannot sustain it.” Then I thought of recent advice given to me from this site and decided to just ride the wave and embrace whatever may come. The joy continued, so I just keep using it to shine for myself and others as brightly as I can. So many things have been coming to me and the undeniable synchronicities have blown my mind.

I noticed, after watching the video about leaning into the pain of traumatic events or experiences, that I had been avoiding anything that might make me feel sad (like the song above that I mentioned...the rest of the album brings me inexplicable joy, so I avoided the few sad ones every time I listened). I did not notice it immediately upon viewing the video, but later that evening while watching a movie with my friend when I suddenly began sobbing, for no reason that I could explain, after seeing the character in the movie stand up and show that she was pregnant with a baby her husband created with her prior to his death. This was the “surprise element” of the story, but I did not feel connected to what it presented for the characters. I actually felt completely detached from the movie (which is unusual for me, but is happening more often with certain activities). I also have zero attachment to that scenario, yet the pain that came out of me caused me to sob uncontrollably.

I went into the bathroom to get away and connect to my feelings and realized that, oddly, the sadness that had come was with regards to the pain I still felt having lost my basset hound, Mulder, years (almost 15 years) ago. I always thought that he was the best dog ever as he stayed by my side through multiple rounds of chemo and radiation, licking my face if it needed cleaning, sitting on my feet when they were cold, cuddling me on the bathroom floor when I could not make it to the bed. When he died I ended up in the hospital with a temperature of 106 degrees and almost died (or fried my brain). I knew then, and still know, that experience was the physical manifestation of my emotional grief. When I love, I love hard. I knew that I never quite got over his death, but through my sobbing in the bathroom I realized that he was actually one of my soul mates. It never occurred to me before that your dog could be a soul mate, but it was presented to me in a way that presented absolute certainty. With that knowledge, and the intense emotional purging from the sobbing, another weight was lifted and I released him from my karmic field. For the first time I can speak of him without crying or feeling sadness. I feel like the advice that was given to me took form in a way that showed me how clearing that needs to happen will present itself in any form that spirit sees fit. It is important to experience it, as Open says, to “lean into it” instead of my usual Modus Operandi of telling myself that “I am being ridiculous” and trying to avoid it entirely to move on. More bricks have been lifted and fears of many things have melted away. I feel such calm with regards to just about everything right now. My heart is open to whatever may come and I know that I am free to live without judging myself so harshly, allowing myself to be satisfied with my efforts, to love the person that I am, to know and recognize what I have to offer and to do so freely and abundantly regardless of fears concerning how it will be perceived.

I cannot explain all of the circumstances that led up to my being able to go to New York in the coming weeks for the Intensive, but I can say with absolute sincerity that I know that I am meant to be there and I cannot wait to embrace whatever may come.

Namaste,

Aphroheidi

“This light of mine is not so little”