Hi Open,

For me, I feel I'm the receiving end of this, the one who's shadow owns them and can't receive fully, or lets doubts interfere, or shame, gets tense, shoots the messenger out of frustration and projection, with regret and chagrin, and deep apology. I feel like Colin Farrell's character in that movie with Brendan Gleeson, dull, dry, repetitive, muddled, dense, obtuse, tranced, wanting things to stay the same. Delusional. I go out and people can get within an inch of me and I don't feel it, don't even know they're there, or at least not consciously. I have no sense of my own boundary. The feeling comes up of needing to take responsibility for this, and then the immediate resistance comes up: oh well here's another thing to fail at. But how can I succeed when I give up before I've even really tried? Or given it enough time. Of course I'm dense and muddled because I make myself that way. If it's not drugs it's food and movies. I'm forever seeking relief from my attachments to my past, my pain, my fear, my terrible choices and mistakes, the boredom and uncertainty of the present, me. My 'Borderline Personality with Complex Trauma'. Why can't I just let go? Maybe because I haven't found and retrieved my fragments yet. But I am at least facing it more now, and slight shifts are happening here and there. Yesterday's article gave me a lift speaking about chipping away, that even though it may be slow (and often backwards) as long as I keep at it, keep coming back to it after giving up, progress is being made. I receive so many signs and feed back loops all the time, but I hesitate to confirm them out of fear of embarrassing myself because I'm still too dull to be sure of anything. It's so hard to feel because I'm tired of feeling bad. But then I remember it's not an exacting science and faith and trust in oneself is so important. And it's ok to be wrong. Just don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and keep chipping away whille learning deeper energy connection and the courage to feel it all, even from this foggy place. And being more aware how I take other's energy on. Developing those boundaries. The last few days of posts have helped me get to a deeper level of acceptance with myself and my circumstances (really resonated when you spoke of needing to relax vs needing more sleep; that was a real eye-opener and so true). i have to start where I am to dig myself out of the muck, get those fragments back. There's no shame in being a wreck. This is where I need to be, as much as I abhor it. Acceptance can free me from where I am to get to next step, and it feels possible now. I get tense thinking of how just how far I have to go, but again, just what I need to learn true patience and perseverance. Maybe I'll get to that place where I can be the helper, and it won't seem so out of reach. Blue Jay is squawking outside my window: "Are you being authentic? Do you have the courage to use your voice?" Working on it Blue, working on it. Much gratitude, barb 🙏