Hi all,

I feel an urge toward some kind of greater potential and yet I feel constantly too slow for it. Perhaps I am sensing that I am behind the flow. Recently, I have felt a pull toward the soil, compost, community...that takes me into research and then business ideas that excite me but feel too big for me to tackle. I am catching myself running to the outcome of the exploration - which brings on a general paralysis.

I have been working on just holding the sense of it more open and to see what I feel - what comes in relation to the ideas I am having. I dreamt last night that a man was offering to teach me to hunt...this struck me. What does it mean to be a hunter? I mean other than killing something? It takes certain qualities ....maybe courage, definitely patience, focus, attentiveness and a willingness to deal with the more unpalatable qualities of life. I find it incredibly hard to stay focused on one thing - one direction...perhaps it doesn't suit me to be so singularly focused externally - however I don't see how anything can happen without at least some maintenance of inner focus on the arising impulses and a commitment to follow them. Maybe the commitment brings up fear and the bouncing is the distraction from it.

I feel the fear of unfulfillment so strongly - which is funny because I already feel unfulfilled - I suppose it's the unease with that never changing. I get that this seems to place the fulfillment outside of myself. Yet, it feels different ...maybe I am fooling myself. But - it feels like this tension between needing nothing and the urge to express. Everything seems to be moving so fast. I marvel at how some seem to be creatively on fire - amazing at landing things in a way that supports themselves. If it was only about creativity and expression I could relax and let it flow - but the sense that it all seems to have to be put up for exchange just shuts me down. A part of me knows that it IS about the creative expression but part of me is hooked into the 3D valuation. I know that the confrontation of it is in following the impulse and working through the fears and attachments. The sense of having no focus, motivation or drive is also a big one that frustrates me...I wonder at how anyone can find the will to bring things into the world at the moment. I seem to only be able to imagine them and then lose steam.

Lots of stuff floating around here...sorting it through sharing...With love, Jen