Hi Barb,

I grew up living with a narcisistic mother and can resonate with most of your feelings. I also resonate with the difficulty in sitting down to meditate.

The problem with just reading about spirituality but not walking the path is that it also acts like MJ. I mean, Open’s words are always so truthful and beautifully written — we can easily come here, read something and feel a bit more connected for some minutes!

It may be hard to walk the path initially because you are literally learning a NEW way of living — and most of us have been living in a mind-led way for decades.

The sense of presence and clarity grows over the time as you pay attention to it, so although it seems impossible to focus on the breath now, it will certainly get easier in a few days or weeks as you keep relaxing the mind and surrendering. Trust me, every meditation counts — even the poor ones! But it must be first thing in the morning and you do have to keep going, day by day.

Work to differentiate both states, the present one and the over-thinking one. Get used to your sense of self. Be curious. And when you get hurt, be ready to enter into your space and cry. Cry a lot. Crying is releasing and it’s very empowering.

You’re right, you don’t know how to relax and surrender — that’s why you must learn it by yourself. In my experience, what motivates me the most is the same feeling of tiredness that you mentioned. I’m tired of toxic humans, tired of society, tired of how we destroy the planet and, most of all, I’m tired of my mind making me suffer. And I know there’s much more to life than that.

As it becomes easier for you to “find” your presence, so it will be to speak your truth in a detached way (which usually involves speaking less). Of course, you’ll still hurt people’s feelings sometimes.

And regarding MJ, I chose to quit it completely. Even tough it used to highten my senses and inspiration, it also trigged lots of thoughts and ego desires. Maybe the same happens to you?

With love,
Edu