Laurie, thank you for your soulful sharing. Yes, I noticed and related. I feel like sharing this koan (Zen poem) with you that reflects what you are describing in a very eloquent way - see if it resonates.

Master [Hui-an] asked [Huai-jang], “Where are you coming from?”
Huai-jang said, “Mount Sung.”
The Master said, “What sort of thing comes here like this?”
Huai-jang said, “To call it a ‘thing’ is to miss the mark.”
The Master said, “Can it be cultivated or experienced?”
Huai-jang said, “It’s not that it isn’t cultivated or experienced, but rather that it isn’t corrupted or defiled.”
The Master said, “It’s just because it isn’t corrupted or defiled that it’s treasured by all buddhas. You’re like this. And I’m like this.”
— The Platform Sutra

With love