Hello Open,

Wow, those are the exact questions i ve been asking. Especially since yesterday when i had an experience that really raised the above questions.

So yesterday i went hiking. It was kind of a hiking workshop. Nature was really beatiful and i felt so much joy. I felt like a child. I noticed that it was maybe the first time that i wasnt looking for an efficient way to do something. i would take whichever way i felt to and have fun walking on the rocks through the river (there was no water) even if it was not the most efficient route to take. i was just jumbing around and it was not dangerous anw.

so at some point there was a water pool and the trainer who had done the route a few days before told me that we would climb the rock and pass near and above the water. at some point though we would have to put one feet on the water. from one point on i couldnt see what was next so i trusted in her words that there was a place to put my feet on and climb. (i didnt trust her completly in general, i had some doubts about her skills, but the route was not dangerous so i went for it.)
so she goes first and i am to follow. at some point (the point i couldnt see before) i realize that because she climbed first and her feet were now wet no one could climb after her because there were only two places to put my feet on and the grass on the rocks was now wet. i went for it and sure enough i fell in the water :p i fell a couple of times while she kept telling me i could do it until i found another way to climb up. i got really angry and dissapointed after that. Not because i fell, it was actually fun not dangerous and i liked the challenge but because i would expect her to notice the difference in our shoes. the sole of my shoes was much more thick and because of that impossible to put my foot on that tiny spot and because it was logical that once the grass was yet it would be much harder. we also had the option to take another, longer route and had she noticed my shoes we wouldnt try to pass from there. After that incident i lost complete trust in her skills and almost stopped listening to her and i was questioning every detail she was saying. i got angry and i no longer felt that childish fun. i noticed that i stopped looking around and enjoying the view.

i was thinking all the time that thats exacly how i felt when on an early age i was so dissapointed by my parents because they couldnt protect me and guide me. no parenting skills whatsoever and i decided at an early age i had to do it myself. i also felt stupid for believing in her words that there was a way to climb that spot. to my surprise i also felt anger towards nature and that it was not very friendly there.

so as we kept going i was thinking about how i lost trust in people and the universe. My general misstrust and that i was so let down in childhood that i never felt that childish fun again. That was until i realised that the beauty of nature was still there and the synchronicities and guidance were still really strong even though i felt crappy. i was just so dissapointed to enjoy it now that i didnt consider it as support. i just felt that bad things will happen if i trust and i didnt previously make the distincion between trusting peope and in guidance and my own intuition. so i was having these questions. Maybe trust in the universe is that guidance will always be there but it just doesnt mean bad things wont happen or you wont be guided towards 'bad' situations. Maybe they are supposed to happen and universe will guide you through it and this is what trust is? and maybe i took it so personally as a child that i felt the universe didnt have my best interest?

what about trust in other people? as an adult i knew there was a degree of risk at some point where we did one or two other activities. I nevertheless went for it. Although i no longer trusted her, i trusted in my gut that i should do it. so maybe we trust in our intuition that we should begin to connect with some people and then let the experience and them prove to us that they are worthy of our trust?

My biggest question is that i realise i lost that part of me that felt that childish joy and carelessness and wasnt questioning (in a bad way) all the time. So how can i feel like that but at the same time be careful and trusting and be ok that bad things may happen?

Thank you very much :)

Vaso