Hi Vimal,

I would like to give thanks to our catalytic and warm connection here :) Thank you for sharing your truth with regards to the 'spiritual junkie' comment, I really value this.

When I read the amusing story about the mad fellow you shared, which synchronistically had been shared in my Buddhist Vipassana meditation retreats (great sign!), it catalysed a reflection in me and again synchronistically I was reading about it that day spoken as 'spiritual (seeker) junkie'. I felt to share it as a way to open up reflections rather than attributing your whole experience into this, as it were, very tight container. Our experiences are certainly more complex than a tight container and in my view not linear but more spiral like. Like you describe here:

Even though i know its not a road i would ever take it made me feel bad, possibly because of my own insecurity and what others think of my situation. But when i compare to the recent past, i don't go into self doubt either regarding the same situation and dont feel the need to defend myself.

I can also see that there is a judgemental note to the word 'junkie' and a social stigma too, unfortunately. I say unfortunately, because society has not really understood the inner life of a 'junkie', so it demonises what it does not understand or does not fit. Its interesting that the word 'junk' was a slang term for 'heroin' and then the term 'junkie' became normalised, mostly as a derogative term. A 'junkie' is searching for security and love, for meaning and community, for belonging - ultimately for the Source, Spirit, One Self. I can honorably relate to this :)

At the same time, the term, as you say, may describe more the seeking for intense spiritual experiences that usually happen towards the start of ones journey - though in my experience, not exclusively - so I agree. And I also see that there are subtler versions of the 'spiritual seeker junkie' described, a lot subtler that in my experience arise in waves. There is still the craving, though not necessarily the intense obsession. The craving of the spiritual seeker is subtler and it arises in waves.

Personally, I dont see the 5 gateways as being linear. To me, they are more messy, more spiral like, wavy. Within this though there is a sense of movement, a flow to the Source but that movement can also go many ways depending (e.g. back to gateway 1 to use these terms). I love you brought that quote up by Open about the blessings of NOT KNOWING how things will work out. For me, this attitude can be applied here to the 5 Gateways journey very strongly. I keep reminding myself of this! :)

The dissolution of the seeker can happen any moment (and let me say here that I have not experienced the complete dissolution of the 'me' identity but can see it often - not always - as it arises). The complete dissolution has often happened for people who were not 'spiritual' as such. Not ever having done any formal meditation. It can happen to anyone. Its Grace. Of course that doesn't mean I will stop meditating, it just shows me the limitations of the seeker 'me' identity and the freedom of not knowing. :)

Yes, the 'questioning the value of oneself' can be very subtle as you describe and we ALL go through the process, in waves, depending on conditions and karmic baggage. Yes, I resonate with this:

Its amazing when i see it i can let go of it.

What I also find interesting is to constantly question 'Who it is' that is valuing in the first place. What a great way to relate to oneself (I keep reminding myself), while at the same time expressing Soul - Magic!

Sending gratitude for an intriguing reflective process. <3