Hi Megha,

I’m smiling as I read your sharing as I recognise what you’re going through, and I can’t help thinking “Yes, another one rising up to her true power! You go girl!”

About 6 months ago, I was going through something similar. It had just dawned on me what the system really is and what it’s doing and how constricting and imprisoning it is to the soul. The way it was showing up in my immediate personal life was through my kids. I was home with my youngest who was just over 1 year old and wreaking havoc wherever he passed. I felt like the sole reason for my existence was to prevent him from either destroying the house or killing himself. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without him seizing the opportunity to embark on another kamikaze adventure. And when my older daughter came home from school, she only added to my slave-like existence with her constant demands and ‘royal’ expectations. Whenever I asked her to help out in any way, she acted as if she was personally insulted.

Well, there came a point when I just couldn’t take any more. A wave of rage surged through me and I stopped running after my son and just sat down on the kitchen floor screaming internally GO AHEAD, DESTROY THE HOUSE! DO WHAT YOU WILL! BUT I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS REALITY ANY MORE!!! There was a whole revolution inside of me, an uprising not just against my son, but against the whole enslaving system around me and inside me that allowed no freedom for the soul to move.

It felt good right there and then, but the following weeks to come were really challenging. The rage that had been awakened would suddenly pop up unexpectedly in all kinds of family related situations, out of nowhere. It was quite destabilising because it would often catch me off guard. I could be feeling quite calm and stable, but then suddenly one of my kids would say or do something that just set off a whole firing squad.

The brilliant thing about this though was that I got in touch with my ray 1. Just like you, I also felt the immense power of this energy, and how it was all mine, a part of me. The challenging thing though, was that by tapping into my ray 1, I also tapped into all the distortions that accompanied it. So basically, I entered a process where I had to face and work through these distortions as they came up. Many past life visions came up of being a soldier/warrior in male form doing all kinds of heinous things to other people and especially to women. There was also a great need to heal from lingering reptilian influence and energy, as I have had fierce ‘battles’ with that throughout my life. That’s how it played out for me.

Apart from the general spiritual ‘deal with your distortions’ advice though, I’d like to share another simple thing that greatly helped me through this process. A little bit of gentle loving self-distancing humour. Whenever I found myself in these fits of anger, followed by disagreeable behaviour, I would try to pop out of myself for a second and just look at myself from the outside. I imagined myself as a likeable character in a movie who had just had enough of everything, like Erin Brockovich for example, or Michael Douglas in “Falling down”. It occurred to me that as an outside eye, seeing the whole picture, we tend not to judge these characters. We understand their plight, their rage, and even if their behaviour goes a bit coo coo, we fully feel for them and even love them. In the same way, I think we need that from ourselves. To look at ourselves, in the midst of all the chaos, with a gentle smile and a kind eye, maybe even a warm laugh. I think what finally burst the bubble for me was when I just let out the coo coo and completely flipped out on my daughter. I tore the remote control from her hand, literally jumped onto the couch, and loudly declared that from now on SHE was going to do all the cleaning in the house, and I was going to sit on my ass and watch TV. At first she ran off and hid from the mere shock of her crazy mom, but shortly thereafter she came back, sat on the couch next to me and made a funny joke about it. We both laughed heartily and I knew she had ‘got’ the message. Things actually improved after that.

I hope this helps a little.

Love,

Anastasia