I realized for some time that I've had some deep childhood trauma and resultant narsissistic wounding. In especially one previous relationship with a girlfriend who really seemed to try to love me I was severely hurtful and more or less gaslighting I can see in retrospect. This energy is something that I can see way back in my own family. I've tried to do a lot of inner work the last years, and I've felt I've become a kinder, more patient and loving person. I was in the delusion that I had basically aligned and healed this reptilian energy in myself. In a recent online love relationship with someone this pattern came up again, with forcing a projection onto the other person, trying to control an outcome, overriding the others soul sovereignty. When I first saw this person it felt like a claw hit me in the stomach. It wasn't a pleasant sensation, and maybe that should already have been a clue. However we still interacted a lot for 3 months without me ever seeing what was going on untill finally it blew up in utterly destructive conflicts and drama.

After processing the feelings of having been abused and gaslighted myself, the reptilian defense and projection, I could finally see how I'd behaved. The challenge is that I tried to be aware the whole time, living in the delusion that I'm somehow a bit awake and immune to these things. Facing this responsibility is excruciating, especially when ones distortions leads to others getting severly hurt,

This almost feels like having been posessed, as the whole thing seemed so real and aligned at the time, deluding myself into thinking it was love and something special, all to have it fall apart like a house of cards in moments, waking up to the madness. It's really hard to face the truth that these energies are in me, working through me, however kind I feel and may appear to people with less than optimal perception. It's hard to not hate myself, feel like I'm evil, hopeless, a destructive force. I also realize these feelings only feed the negative agenda, and are utterly counterproductive.

I've become utterly fascinated by the work of Bernard Guenther and Eve Lorgen, writing about destructive love relationships and love bites. To heal this further I'm planning to write a longer post about this experience after processing it a bit, gaining permission from the other party to share some details.