Open and all reading,

Reading this article (which is much appreciated) I didn't feel much of a reaction, which was somewhat superprising. Right now I am in the density, feeling blocked in my creative ability - an inability to manifest authentic expression. The word that actually just landed is "impotence;" Ugh. I'm noticing it's underlain by a very deep sense of intense frustration with my own perceived lack of progress. I don't even know what it is that I'm ignoring at the moment, except this sentence itself looks ridiculous, and I'll dutifully be going into that frustration at some point in the near future.

It feels like I'm isolated, in the middle of a desert, somehow both deserter and desertee.

There's an acknowledgment of my own responsibility in my current state, as small "i" doesn't like being pushed, manipulated, or especially monitored, and it reacts via rebellion and isolation. Growing up I had the challenge of highly overprotective parents - specifically my mother - both of whom's hearts were in the right place but were just repeating the patterns of their own parents. My mom was the overprotective, hugely passive aggressive one that steered the ship, and my dad got to be the participant voyeur as long as he didn't rock the boat too much and kept peace with my mom. I used to intentionally push his buttons so he'd lose his temper with me, rock that boat, and divert the attention from my own actions to his, so I could have some peace and time to my fricking self.

Ha - as I wrote that, my wife just now goes, Would you stop being so NOSY all the time? Nosiness! Nosy McNoserson!...feeling comically annoyed by my super inquisitive daughter, whose first day back at school was today and was just intrusively reading adult paperwork over her shoulder...

More specific to the article: the first thought that landed was It's always something. A feeling of exasperated futility. It came out in a sigh. It's like I've been told 1111x times and I still just don't get it. There's always been a sense of urgency, but again small "i" does NOT like being pushed, and I often find myself rebelling by isolating myself with the attitude that I am supposed to do it all myself without any help.

Although on a side note, it does help to know that where I am in the "Breakthrough Cycle" heavily influences my emotional reaction. If I had read this article while in process of breaking through? The feeling would be Acceptance. Courage. Bring-It-On-iveness. If I read it already having broken through, in the midst of surfing Higher Flow? Joy, spontaneous connective creation. Catalyzed potential manifested. Nothing better!

From a creativity/career/providership standpoint - I'm still in the midst of transitioning to something new over the past 6 months after 18 years in the corporate world. Lately though every proactive action I've taken seems promising at first but then fizzles out. Interesting potential opportunities pop up, but then they all pop like bubbles. And I used to be really adept and efficient with simple technology, but lately, things like sending a simple email attachment takes over an hour because of all manner of insane glitches and "I can't believe THAT just fricking happened" moments.

I haven't been able to determine if the higher course of action is to continue to persevere within a specific creation, like going all in to finish the book I've been writing, which feels just as BLOCKED as I do right now. Or just let go of that for a while, and do something different. And/or up my spiritual practice duration and intensity, and come back later to finish it when I'm not enmeshed in density like I am now. The song that just popped up on autoselect is "Afraid of Time" from the Interstellar soundtrack.

The one thing I do know for sure right now is that isolation isn't the answer, so maybe part of a pending breakthrough is reaching out here.

Thanks for listening - reflections/comments welcome!

E

PS - After trying to post this several times, every single time there is immediately the very strong, violent urge to just delete/abort the whole thing. Suicidal thoughts from childhood forgotten and buried are now popping up. Welp; I know where start looking now. Ugh x2