Thanks for this Open - I can relate to so much of it!

For a long time, I struggled with motivation - I could not connect to doing things for the achievement of it or for external rewards - and it felt empty. The only thing that felt meaningful and motivating was deepening connection and cohesiveness. While I still feel this is the essential motivation, I believe that for a time, I traded externally motivated rewards for internally motivated rewards, and even that grew stale and stagnant.

I have found that a deeper inner connection is grown through the external challenges. Yes, the external carrot may appear to be driving the motivation, but actually, it is the growth and deepening of awareness and connection that is the active daily moment-to-moment motivation. In truth, I am still not motivated by the external result, and focusing on big, ultimate end goals can overwhelm me as it can feel like too many steps to absorb at once. In my current experience, I am writing academic papers multiple times a week and meeting external bars and metrics on a regular basis, and honestly that would all seem pointless if not for what is happening inside. It is the tremendous inner growth that I am perceiving and enjoying through the friction of my experience...the connection to new ways of being - the wearing down of resistance and avoidance that am finding motivating and enlivening.

Thanks for this sharing Open! 🙏 Jen