Some form of poverty consciousness seems to be at the root of all the challenging feelings that I experience:

- I am a failure in the eyes of the world...not meeting the standard achievements and references

- I am a failure in the eyes of God/Spirit/the One that all is...and so I am disconnected

- I am a failure in the eyes of my expectations...being unable to prevent my children from being caught up in the buffet of distractions and addictions - I was under some illusion that it was my job to keep them in a bubble and protect the purity of their essential nature...that seems to have been an impossible and I suppose misaligned mission =)...as it is part of our journey (one I often resent)

- Life fails to support me/Have to do it by myself

I do feel that I have moved through a lot of this in relation to the people in my life (the kids especially) - though the question of what I am responsible for is one I feel I am constantly feeling into... There is the sense of failing others/failing myself...a huge weight of responsibility is there.

A short story: I've been sharing time with those in the community that are in need of additional resources, hungry - some also living on the streets...serving them lunch in a community setting that is intended to provide nurturance with dignity. I can say I don't know if I have ever felt more relaxed and in joy around a group of people. There is so much less pretense, the striving to meet the external bar has perhaps been set down/broken down...there is openness and softness, a slower pace...eye contact, gratitude, community. When I am there I realize how fast I am moving and downshift many gears! People are singing and dancing to music, trading with others at the table - their salads for an extra dessert. There is no rush...no where to get to. This is the kind of relating that feels real, feels meaningful. To feel so at home among those that society would say have "failed" or that some might say society has failed...I could see the freedom in being considered a failure...by some external and ridiculous measure of worth.

The word hungry spikes for me when I read this back...and a constant hunger/dissatisfaction/discontent is something I have come to know as part of this human experience - thankfully it doesn't define in the way it use to.