Having trouble expressing lately. Got to do some throat chakra toning. Love it, thanks for the suggestion! I've let the living and working circumstances of my life take too much of my energy and I feel it on all levels. Hiding in the familiar has taken a huge toll, but I'm not dead yet! To be clear I am well aware, though still not always accepting, that I created this situation. I'm also aware that it has been very necessary in order to help me face and realign highly distorted and negative thinking and behaviour. So I'm grateful for the experiences; they've forced me to start counting on myself more and more, and the motivation to shifting to a more sustainable and nurturing life. Some situations are like chewing gum; the flavour, or usefulness, eventually wears out and just becomes meaningless struggle and efforting. I'm still learning, always learning, but it's time for balance. I've spent long enough trying to adapt to my situation, and though i feel I've learned a lot about things like restriction and the importance of patience and calm, it's time to spit that gum out. Great skills in lean times but I just want to get healthy and strong again. To thrive not just survive. To start embodying my purpose. But I have a long way to go in letting go of the old stuff and getting to higher ground. I look back at my childhood and when I was at my best I had will and drive and enthusiasm; I made things happen. It got squashed down but (thanks to help from Mars) feel it rising again. I simply need to get beyond the debilitating fears; I need to be able to count on myself to not run and hide when things get hard. Making progress. Turning more to HS rather than the dead-end of empty comforts and habits. Having faith that moving on to something more aligned for me will be supported, just having the courage to let go and free-fall for a time if necessary. I've been working on facing my fear of death, especially the kind that really scare me. Drowning really scares me. I hope that if I make it to the shift fully integrated this fear will be overcome, but my lower wonders, if drowning will be the experience? I realize the pointlessness of dwelling on it. It probably won't even matter; I agree it will be joyous and liberating. What's on the other side is worth it either way. And my soul will be stronger for the experience. Lower me would be proud I made it through something so hard. I imagine facing the pain and fear of drowning is a lot like facing the pain and fear of living lol. I have all the tools I need, just so long as I'm using them and staying on the path. Seeing the bigger picture clearer and clearer. Less and less interest in hiding and indulging, and getting more excited and drawn to joining the community through the ether (and hopefully on retreat!) and being of service. Applying the "spin" to BT breathing has been a game changer and I'm starting to see tangible results in controlling my anxiety. Ive also stopped smoking cannabis, taking toxic medications, and started eating for my body, not my emotions. Feeling the difference already. I must confess I took the jab last year out of fear of change and uncertainty, but have no intention of ever doing so again, and am preparing myself for any hardship I may have to endure should it be forced again. Since having it, I have never been sicker, weaker and more muddled. And that's just what I notice. However my will and determination at exiting this gong show is giving me the courage I need. It feels like "I won't do another thing unless it's from my soul". And that feels amazing. So onward, hopefully upward, and finally outward, into a brave and beautiful new world!❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🙏

Ps I started to watch the video and the chanting prayer at the beginning really moved me! I can feel what's coming and I'm weeping with joy!