Is it right we need the dopamine hits if we deny our truth in the moment? I have been falling way too many times for the notion I need to be some innocent or pure creature, it results in turning daily life into a battlefield. Often I fall for the idea´s the conditioned judgements have reserved for me, with the help of the Whites. It seems to be built on truth at first, and for a while it feels like transcendence, only to recognise again there has been an intervening energy playing around with it. It´s hard to spot, it seems pretty difficult at this level to discern what is truth over what is an agenda. And I'm subtlely pulled in as I try to unravel an addiction for example. I can see the truth in the distortion, but not yet able to authentically transcend it. Maybe more and more, but really not all of the time. Then there is judgement coming in playing on a sense of guilt, mostly coming at night in dreams or some sort of hallucination. I get constantly stuck in an idea of what transcendence or Oneness really is, instead of seeing it is what is right in front of me in all authenticity. It is not some idea of purity I have to attain for sure, but apparently part of me really is invested in that. So I swing back and forth between denying all pleasures of the physical world, or indulging in it with a sense of guilt and judgement. Though I have experienced both ends of the swinging pendulum as one, holding it in a space of non-judgement, and there has the transendence been authentically possible. I have been at a point of exhaustion with this dynamic several times, it seems to find ways to energise itself again. I can only keep observing and learning

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