Hi Miha, Open and Openhanders. Thanks Miha for your post about the supercluster. I havent even began reading everything but Ive seen this image and it makes me wonder, in terms of a fractal universe, that we seem to be in an area where we're at the end, like on the edge of a cliff, or eagle's nest. If we're on a wheel and things are cyclical then we would be approaching the bottom it feels like to me, and the pic of the supercluster would confirm that. Can there be areas of the universe where source is harder/further to reach and that would be our particular perspective of hell? As simple as being cut off from source? Or in our case where the energies are getting denser and denser and more erratic? As we ourselves get further from our own source? ive probably already asked this but i forget sometimes. But the image is amazing, feels alive almost.

It would appear the universe tried the gentle way with me and got nowhere. So now its deeper and deeper plunges into my own personal hell. And i'm happy to report it's reaching me. Meister Einhard(sp?) had it right with his poem; we need those demons who are really angels. How else is the universe going to get my claws free of that edge! i thought i was weak but try to get me to let go, i turn into neutronium. I felt a bit of shame wandering off to go back to the past, like i was copping out or shirking my duties in order to feel like a teenager again and not think so much all the time or feel any more anxiety and pain. I felt like i was trying too hard and i realized later why, which is a big reason i needed to face some stuff but its been so necessary; i don't want to lose the chance to meet and know incredible people because i'm stuck in my childhood being jealous of my sisters cause they're getting attention and not me. trying to get a seat at the table without merit, wanting someone else to do my self-loving for me, because i didnt want to grow up. And i felt like i was throwing away the most important gift i've ever received but i wasn't, just needed a break to rest get caught up and deal with my triggers. i just didn't know it at the time.

 I will give myself all the time i need without feeling inferior to others, i will without shame answer what calls to me, even the "bad" habits because if it takes me a hundred times going back to the past to see there's nothing there for me, then that's how many times i have to go. i learned i am far too influenced by others and im enjoying finally starting to taking ownership of myself. Although things like nasty bouts of pancreatitis have a way of getting one to sit up and take notice too. No more letting others decide for me how i should live. So much shame for so long i let others push me around because they scared me like my parents. Still really wrestling with that one; that's especially where i feel inferior and worthless. Spent most of my life trying to prove how tough i was but im still scared so who's fooling who? Needless to say fear of death, even though i know is irrational, is an incredible catalyst as we all know and looking at it closer and closer, getting a bit braver each time, i feel like maybe i got just a smidgeon back, a quantum speck of myself back. i veered towards the void one day when i was smoking weed because it gives me the courage i haven't yet recovered, and it was interesting because it felt like i was travelling in a lightless place, closed but comfortable, not dense just no light or maybe haven't opened my eye yet, and im speeding along horizontally and then "pop" im "out" and im a speck just flying through some colorless grainy field and i didn't end, which is another irrational fear i'm working on, and i was that observer im slowly beginning to recognize. Im not interested in getting in the way anymore of how things want and need to be. Sure maybe im doing it "wrong" maybe im going to suffer through this even more and maybe not even make it, but its what i can manage at this point in space. One step at a time and if i miss the bus, ill walk. Im not giving up on me anymore. 

I'm feeling uncomfortable that i'm sharing too much info or doing something wrong, like am i talking about myself too much? Is it overly self-concerned or narcissistic? Maybe, but in my family when i was a kid, no one talked to each other. i lived amongst strangers it felt like. i felt embarrassed to cry because my father would consider that weak or maybe it would irritate my mother. i became boyish because it was easier to connect with him, and i wouldn't risk doing anything that would further alienate him from me, like be myself. But he was also great a lot and gave us a lot. He had his faults and i blamed him for a long time but i know he went through his own tormented childhood and tried to outrun it. I want to help myself heal if it means it'll help him find peace too. 

But we never talked. I mean really talked. And i really am starting to believe this is the biggest injury to any relationship. It got me thinking about cancer, which my counselor (and i hope eventually may even become a friend down the road, provided i learn how to be one) is facing right now but its an inspiring story ill share another time, and the idea that maybe in our bodies when we give in to BS energy and allow ourselves to be consumed by dark thoughts and behaviours, that energy blocks our cell's ability to communicate to each other and the healing they need cant reach them. They feel abandoned maybe and believe they've alone and have become that energy and so give up and give in. Like here. That old fractal universe again. Communication is so much more incredibly important than i ever realized and i need it, i'm starved for it, almost as much as connection. Isn't the universe one big connected net of sub-quantum filaments? It seems the "cure" is quite simple really. 

This crazy scary house that reminds me of the Evil Dead movie and then i look in a mirror and i'm one of the evil dead too, but i know its not who i really am. Its getting less and less scary and im learning to embrace it and feel grateful. Not that i wouldn't sprint to my cottage in the country as soon as the universe coughs it up for me ;) i feel it getting stronger though, that need to really start pulling it together. Maybe its Mercury slowing down and getting ready to start moving forward again. The universe is sending stronger and stronger messages that it's not putting up with anymore more nonsense. i know my pancreas sure isnt.  Ok now i see what im doing, where the discomfort was coming from: im avoiding my loneliness and missing my father, by looking for someone to talk to about our evolutionary struggles. i'm realizing though that loneliness is an illusion; once the connection is made there's no more loneliness and that's what you say all the time too. ive felt it. And when he started to get uncomfortable with my clinging i had to start "begging" for his attention by asking millions of questions. its embarrassing to admit, i have to grow up first before i can really start to make progress, and it has been hard to let go of myself because ive only just started accepting her, but im also understanding that "she's" really just a bio-chemical meat-suit so what the heck am i so attached for, i'll have everything i need when i move on, its just getting to and past that hump. Which im going to do with this post. Thanks for reading and happy to hear any thoughts. Feeling a lot of gratitude for this community Best, barb (sylvanheart)