Hi Open,

I know it reflects the fear inside. The travelling itself is only part of this, everything involved here is new to me and in that it is a brilliant reflection. All of this involves relinquishing control. There's so much density of 'what-could-go-wrong' that it's making me angry, but it illuminates with great accuracy where the tension is and what makes it a 'problem' to me. I still want to stay safe and cozy in that-which-I-know.

Halfway during the planning I shortcircuit and lose track of it all, that's the best way I can explain it. The traveling arrangements I made so far do not connect (from what looks like the 'optimal' way) at three key points by such a small margin that it seems rediculous and dishonest. Two of these points are at the very beginning and very end of the trip back home. I go into panic mode and close down. I've had several email exchanges with Tilly regarding my travelling 'problems' and this night I realized this is not the way. They aren't problems, it's just me hanging on to what would fit in the shortest timeframe imaginable. It feels wrong and I cannot ask anyone to adapt to my automated wishes.

The answer was clear: cancel it all and find another way. There are cancellation fees but that's what I get for staying cosy and simplistic. I will be there and I will get back home and however that happens, the answer clearly is not to look for the 'optimal' connection like some sort of pathfinding computer program. Worst case scenario is having to stay somewhere else for one or two nights and not knowing what to do in between. Maybe try going with the flow?