Hi Everyone,

I had been reading Open's writing over at wake-upworld.com, that led me over here where I watched the 5 gateways film. It made me happy. The softening into tightness resonated and has opened up in my mind the truth and way through some of my current challenges. Many things shared in the film were relatable, I think my experience at this time seems similar to what was described as gateways 3 and 4. How I got here though seems different then the experiences shared in the film. I would be grateful for any comments or insight.
I've always felt very different, and I have been diagnosed with high functioning autism or what used to be called aspergers in my case. My earliest memories of cognition involved observing the way things were done in the world and being very shocked at how different it was from the truth I could see. I also did not feel speaking in language was ever an adequate way of communicating for me.... it couldn't grasp the fullness of my experience. It was very disappointing when I came to understand others were not experiencing the magnitude of the world in the way I was. My speech as a child alternated from bursts of inspired wisdom or humour, like a little philosopher, to a purely cognitive logical masculine way of communicating. As a result, it was easier for me to play with boys, . The only way I could form words was through a feeling of inspiration or an effortful process of logic. As I got older it seemed I became more detached and disassociated from emotional experience, I lived as the observer, never associated with my own position, not really ever feeling my own needs in a situation. I was always taken advantage of as I could always understand where others were coming from. My upbringing involved emotional abuse from my parents which required me to further disassociate from my feeling based experience.
The one joy that was reliable in my youth was music and was funnelled into music school where I did not experience joy when practicing the required materials, I would go to the practice room and all I wanted to do was play and create... eventually it became obvious I wouldn't make it through music school, .... I had to figure out something else to study. . This was a heartbreaking experience for me, I wanted to die at 19 -- it seemed there would be no way to be me and survive in this world, .... the logical, detached aspect of me told my soul that this world was not for it, that the part of me that could function, even if oddly, in the world had to take over. I became more like what would typically described of someone with aspergers.... filling my life with information, logic, and studying. I married a very quiet man, I couldn't connect to others through speaking and it was possible to live in a contained protected way with him. I could never fit in in the matrix, but with him as a mediator I could pretend well enough.
As a child I believe i lived in a state similar to that described by those in the film as the awakening. However because disassociating from feeling was necessary to survive my upbringing and later survive in the matrix, this state of awareness only became pronounce when I was in nature. But I knew it was always right there for me beneath my thoughts. I remember one experience as an adult watching the ocean where I felt myself dissolve, it was so beautiful all I could do was cry.... and later I cried having to go back into the matrix way of life. There was no way at this time that I could integrate this larger truth into my way of living as a human... I had a young child and was studying to be a lawyer.
I guess the other thing is I have always had claircognizance, - I always knew stuff I should have, could often predict where situations would lead and how they would unfold and was too aware of what people feel or want from me -- this was so overwhelming and I think also pushed me to dissociate further from my feeling experience.

Then in 2011, my soul said enough. I became strongly aware of my feelings in a way I never had before... I could not hide from them anymore. I realized I was not going to live the life I was meant to with my husband. I had a hard time making the decision despite feeling miserable for awhile, however I kept exploring, even making new friends.... I was shocked and happy that people were accepting me even when I let my inner freak show on the outside. then I had two profound experiences on the same day. I was in the ocean again and I felt a beam of light warming and entering the top of my head, I felt so happy, it was then that even though my thoughts were not reconciled I knew that I could never turn my back on this joy and go back to my old way of life. then an hour later in conversation with someone - an intellectual conversation about language philosophy the most profound truth came to me as I felt myself vibrating. I could see intellectually for the first time - the matrix. Its like my left brain finally was remembering the truth my right always always felt. One word came to me that encompassed the entire horrible truth of modern existence ... Matrix. After the vibrations subsided I looked around disorientated almost seasick. Its been validating watching the spiritual community's growing use of that word that came to me that day. After that I was committed to self, both my feelings and thoughts were in alignment with what I needed to do and I left my husband.

However it hasn't been smooth sailing at all... I have been plunged into the darkest parts of my self. Eventually I came to learn of a shaman healer who works with people to confront their inner wounded parts ... this has been enormously helpful -like peeling layers off an onion.... I will feel lighter then theres another layer of subconscious learning and insecurities to confront. My shaman is 70 years old and has helped many people, he says I am very unique to work with, that there is a part of me, which he calls my feminine energy that lives totally in the spirit world. In the past two years there have also been new painful experiences brought to me that seemed to catalyze me towards integration. I've ended up getting and leaving a very prestigious job as a lawyer doing work that my former "aspie" self was very adept at... intellectually challenging and which paid very well. My self demanded I leave even though I had no source of income - so I did. I have learned to live happily without very much money - however I can't fully let go of the fear that even basic economic survival itself will eventually become an issue . I have been for the past four years throwing myself into my creativity which has also been a profound teacher. When I TRY to make music its much "harder", softening myself - just playing like a child, allows it to flow out of me with great ease.
Right now I often alternate between feeling joy and excitement, so happy to be alive in this time , to feeling crushed by the matrix, frustrated with my challenges with connecting from the heart with language, economically vulnerable, concerned about my ability to support my daughter and myself. I can't go back to the old -- but I'm not yet totally at ease with walking the path never knowing whats next.
Thanks in part to the 5 gateways film, I now know a way forward through my challenges with verbal communication. I am going to soften into the truth that I really don't have much words to share with others in many interactions, and thats okay even though I feel that others are often uncomfortable with silence and that I myself want to be able to connect with others from the heart - but trying to find words to connect is wrong for me. Authenticity demands that I interact with others in a loving open silence unless inspiration prompts me to speak words, and that the way forward for me is to soften into the tightness I feel around that truth of myself. I also know that watching the film will help me in those moments of exhaustion frustration and utter aloneness to know that there is an experience of alignment with ones truth that lies beyond where I am now that doesn't involve being rubbed roughshod by the outer world.Thank You.