Retrospectively, I feel embarrassed about my comments here. I was ignorant.

After 18 years of hard work and trying to "FEEL IT", fighting for it, surrendering for it, suffering for it, being pressed to feel and let go and being judged for simply being not able to, because, maybe somebody who got frozen in fear in the age of 3 simply can't, a plant helped me like nothing else did. It helped me really go into the my stuff, my darkness that grew to disproportional dimensions due to years of suppression and disconnection. It helped me feel things in the body, it helped me stay awake and not faint when getting close to the source of my pain and it helped my mind disconnect so my body could finally scream its screams fully. It helped me see things in the subconscious and gave me a touch of unconscious. Since then I feel very humble about my own and other people's processes. I don't think I am in a position to directly or covertly control others' path, not even by suggestion or warning. I can barely predict what I will have to go through in a couple of months from now, or even tomorrow.

I also lost the need to accuse anything or anybody, including cosmic scapegoats, for my own inability to face myself squarely and for being a human and thus being prone to abandoning myself, my body, my psyche and my feelings as a part of a powerful survival mechanism, as well as being prone to fall into mind's tendency to look for and create patterns and be driven to basic collective attractors. There is no need to blame plants or aliens for stealing our peace and power. We gladly give up on them for the sake of fake sense of "knowing" and "safety".

Another plant helped me feel how it is to feel safe, in the body, rather than in the mind, something I never experienced in my life. A couple of times is enough to get the body into the mode, to learn what it is like. So yes, we all have it inside, but some of us have very low chances to ever accessing that just by talking, thinking, reading or meditating on it. Some of us got severely disconnected.

In general, maybe it is wise to talk about things only after becoming a pro in them, or at least having a bunch of personal experiences, and collecting enough of diverse data from others' experiences to arrive at any conclusions, if anybody feels the need to at all.

There is enough material, actually, plenty of positive stuff on the web on this topic too. For example, a great, inspiring documentary also for those who are not intending to try psychedelics. There is a chapter on working with music and sound and "you are the medicine", which many here might resonate with:

https://www.gaia.com/series/psychedelica

There are also great books, such as https://www.instagram.com/p/BiX4RhhA-Jm/?hl=en&taken-by=mapsnews.

What I want to say here too, very important, that plant never measures itself with you, who's better, more experienced, more evolved, it doesn't brainwash, it doesn't pollute and confuse your mind with theories, it doesn't speak in mind's language. It doesn't create a field that it wants, intends, that it "thinks" or "feels" is good or right. It is what it is. Then it gets into the body and it works with your energy, with what you've got. Somehow, it "knows" you, it knows what you need and it acts in a kind of unique, tailored way. It speaks in the language the bodymind knows best - symbolic and archetypal, in visions, in sensations. To me, it is a much more evolved version of a facilitator than any human. A lot of noise just is not there and it clears the way. The rest is you communicating with the plant and your own bodymind. This is how it works when you work with the plant. People who are much more experienced than me tell me that they go to plants to "work with them", "to do the work", "to catalyse" (their words), to "reveal/see the hidden". There is a lot of respect and humbleness and care. And these people don't report being confused or "kidnapped" or victimised by entities. They work with what comes up and take responsibility. But this is how it works with those who WORK with plants. It is irrelevant to people who take stuff in parties, for fun, fool around, without even understanding what they're really going into. In this sense, I know that all my experiences serve me now at this point. I work with everything I've got and new tools as well.

By the way, many of the sensations remind and reconnect me to the experiences during the retreats and Openhand sessions. There is a lot in common. I just feel it more HERE, more in the body, connected to the feelings and sensations, and being connected to something very deep within me, rather than something outside me that something or somebody else created, which is totally okay and great, but is different in a sense that something deep within you drives the session. It works from within, from my own energy and nature itself. And amazingly, it holds within the urban noise. It somehow gets really anchored in the body, within the cells. So before I needed to run away to nature to get connected, to feel, to clear. Now nature is coming with me, with my body, into the city. And it stays. It becomes a part of me. It doesn't get dissipated after a couple of weeks and then leaves a yearning and a memory. And yes, the effect stays, it works with me for months after, but in a very gentle, soft way. It feels like it is completely aligned with my own natural energy, so there is no loss. There is integration and work, but it is not stressful. I don't experience disconnection, neurosis and dichotomy I was always experiencing after coming back to my every-day life from my escapes. Everything is coherent, grounded and stable. So in my case, plants are a blessing and a vital step in my healing and growth.

In addition, even synthetic "drugs" may be of use. I think it can be interesting to get to know about what MAPS does with people with severe, "unmeditatable", incurable post-trauma:

"One month after the second session, 68 percent of the full-dose MDMA group no longer qualified for a PTSD diagnosis".

http://www.maps.org/news/media/7158-press-release-mdma-assisted-psychot…

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/using-ecstasy-treat-ptsd-felt-like…

This movie might break some pre-conceptions too: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7155154/plotsummary?ref_=tt_ov_pl

It is like if someone had a cut-off arm, I guess it would not be too beneficial to meditate on it and sit and observe it for too long. The damage gets accumulated and can become fatal.

To finish with, I want to add:

1) "There will come a time when one will have to forget everything that one has learned", Sri Ramana Maharshi

2) Everything can be benevolent or malevolent, bring our light or dark, meditation too. Every word spoken can evoke a negative experience and energy in somebody, while inspiring somebody else. One word, even said with good intention, or one convincing session from somebody who wants to convince can inhibit somebody's evolution for years or even kill, better than dozens of LSD sessions.

3) Staying open, curious and even silly, trying, exploring things, keeping in mind that the world is much more complex and interesting than any idea, that people are different, that they need different things, that life works in miraculous and mysterious and DIFFERENT, unique for everybody, ways, and who am I to judge or have an opinion about it? I just don't know everything, and the more I know, the more I realise that I don't know, - this feels more real than having any solid or rigid theory or idea, to me. Plus, it bridges rather than separates. It says I am no better than anyone, and my way or view or path are no better than those of anybody else.

3) Mistakes, destruction and damage are inevitable in life and on the path. It is sad, very sad, but this is how it is, and it is okay. It is okay to make mistakes. We get damaged and we damage. But we also learn and grow, and we also help others, sometimes without even knowing (the best way).

Love, <3