This has been an inquiry of mine for the past couple weeks, especially with the Openhand discussions lately around Resurrection and healing the divine masculine and feminine.

For me, I know I tend to keep myself closed off from others. I generally have a feeling that I don't want to be seen. But lately I've been asking myself why I feel this way. Why am I afraid of letting others see me? And what am I afraid of them seeing, exactly? One main thing I'm aware of is a fear that if other people knew how my mind worked, they would think I'm insane. I feel like my mind is a mess of thoughts most of the time, I often struggle to focus on whatever I'm doing, and my emotions can be all over the place. On any given day, it feels like I could be labelled with any number of psychiatric diagnoses.

I especially don't want my husband and son to think I'm an unstable mess, even if I feel that way sometimes. So I tend to keep it to myself. But I wanted to try and face my fears, so I tried talking to my husband about it. This was difficult for me, and when we sat down to talk I said I wanted to talk a bit about why I find it hard to open up sometimes. That was about all I said before he launched into a bunch of his own complaints about our relationship. It seems the powers that be in the ether were not going to make that conversation easy for me.

I was too upset after that to talk much more, but I stuck with it and tried again a few days later. Our conversation went better. My husband's main thought was that opening up to another person is similar to opening up in a spiritual sense to the soul or consciousness. Both of us could relate to that, and I think opening up to the soul mostly feels like a fear of the unknown. If we fully let go of the matrix and what we've known up to this point in our lives, what's actually there?

And maybe that's what my fear of others seeing me is based on - my own fear of looking at myself. I don't know what to do about all that. My husband and I also concluded that we don't really know how to build real intimacy. When you remove all the surface level finger-pointing and go a bit deeper, what's really there? We'll keep looking.

Zoe