What activates, what kicks off, it's like a tidal wave - sight going blurry (had to turn away before I could continue reading), cold shivers running through my body, tingling in my hands and feet, heart racing, slight nausea, though not in a shocky kind of way, more like things are moving.

The feeling of: Yes, I know, and finally someone else knows, too.

This bit was espacially strong: being fooled/conned into leaving your body and thereby loosing yourself for some considerable time, it felt like yes, felt familiar, horrible and horribly familiar.

And I was reminded of this experience I had, about a month ago. I was meditating, following the sensations in my body, and suddenly I started twitching, lots of jerky, abrupt motions, my whole body moving with seemingly no input of my brain - I had the weird feeling of being a bystander and watching what was going on. After a while I heard/felt a vibration/sound, it was loud and disruptive, and then I wasn't outside watching anymore but inside. Lying down, shapes moving around me, this vibration/sound doing things to my body, and my thought of "I have to hold on, I cannot let go, I cannot let them do that", with a sense of being responsible for a group of others, I had to protect them, keep those things away from them, keep my group hidden. Then the thought that, no, I don't have to hold on, physical death isn't the end, and my group, they are all souls shaping their own path. So I let go.

Felt myself rising, into the light. But I turned and looked down at the body, saw my empty eyes, and thought: I can do this, I can bear witness to what is happening. Saw the body jerking, just an empty shell. I felt sad.

The things stopped what they were doing, conferred, and threw the body away; I got the distinct sensation of "experiment failed". Had the odd sensation for a moment of being back in the body, looking through those empty eyes, and feeling utterly rejected, look how I twisted myself all out of shape and I'm still not good enough. Watched the body crawl away and followed, wanted to soothe it, wanted to tell her, show her, how much love I felt, but - I couldn't reach her, no matter how hard I tried, she couldn't feel me.

So maybe the experiment didn't fail. Or that experience isn't connected at all; there's something inside of me shouting to not be stupid, these are two different things, don't post your drivel; yet it was what popped up when I read those words, so.

Also, there's a sensation of echo, in this life, of being tricked into trust and then systematically cleared out and used for ... I'm not entirely sure. Things. (And here I'd been wondering why I'd drawn that person into my life, but, well. Also feels as though we've been playing this out for a while now.)

Trauma, that rings a very loud bell, fear and a sense of determination, of "finally" and "no longer", and increasingly as though I know exactly whatever it is my mind claims I don't know.

Also feeling a bit like Frodo at the end of Fellowship here: I know what I need to do, it's just, I'm afraid to do it.

(Standing at the precipice, holding my breath, holding still, the tiniest movement will tip me over).

This calls for another cup of tea and some time out, I think. The office it not the best place for this kind of thing.

Phew.

Will explore more at a better time and place.