The past months have been filled with directions that go against what the ego considers should be done. Some small some large. Not by choice, things just went there. This helps make the ego reach an 'ok whatever' state where it sees itself as one who knows nothing rather than one making the choice. Is intelectualizing still part of the mix? Yes, but not at the forefront.

Currently the biggest hurdle is catching the still-present thought of coincidence. As the ego sees it, by now so many coins have been flipped and just happened to come up heads or tails (whichever was most beneficial at the time) that by now it should go wrong, right? However combined with the decline in being the one making the choice that becomes more and more laughable.

Amongst the most unexpected directions I would say are going back part time into the matrix and drastic decline in involvement with Openhand, especially the latter is still baffling at many moments, however, the feeling to go in that direction was of the same energy as the feeling to get involved in the first place, so if I say one is right or wrong, then it follows that the other would equally be. But that is just the ego speaking. It was and is just another fear to work through: there's an inherent sense of being entirely on my own for now, both in having to navigate through the mostly unfulfilling workday while 'I don't want to' and not having a 'spiritual cushion' to have some help refilling the spiritual feul... but... this helps with the realization that nobody will do the work for me. Even my dragon friends (and others) have been silent for a long time but I did ask to just lay it on me, so to speak, so that I could get it over with. OK, at moments this whole method of jumping down waterfalls into rapids is tiring and there is despair from time to time, wondering why I can't do it slower and safer and the good (bad) old what-if's show up again. But it is how I do things so might as well accept that.