Hey there Open and all those following along!

I am exploring the sense that I am or will be a disappointment...it seems to be at the root of some fears around sharing more comfortably with others and having deeper more fulfilling relationships. I feel this pressure and expectation around encounters. It's almost as though I assume I will disappoint in some way and so find myself over-efforting to "prove myself" or placing the focus on the other person to avoid the feeling of what seems like shame. As I say that I remember when I was six and got in trouble for hitting a boy with my jacket...the principal of the school said to me "I am so ashamed of you" - that really stuck with me. So strange to recall being the "bad kid" that friends' parents didn't want their child playing with. I realize I have always carried this innate feeling that there is something essentially wrong about me. At the same time, I know there is not. I don't feel sucked into this as who I am - but see it's impacts on how I am being.

There is some sense of being a "bad" or "dark" person...I don't know where that's coming from...though there is also the sense that I have misguided, mislead or manipulated people in the past.

Anyways - just some threads that are coming up lately! <3