Open:

Thank you. I can feel the support and it helped catalyze even more processing for the past hour or so. There is so much. I choose to persist.

Pretty cool though - I'm laying on the ground completely empty when I realize the power is back on. Once I boot my computer back up a while later, I come to find that the original post isn't lost; it was still here all along - just needed to be powered back up. Kind of in a funky smaller font but hopefully still legible below. Maybe some folks will see some of their own challenges reflected in the light of mine.

I am finding that much of my waking time is spent observing and participating in specific events and experiences that are intrinsically and masterfully designed to break me down. Over the past couple of months I’ve shared a few nice experiences of following the pull, positive change, and reintegration. But that’s only half of the picture.

The real picture is not that that sexy. The real journey is gritty and scary as hell.

Case in point: I have been feeling and knowing that internal shifts wanted to happen for some time, but had not been in a position to safely release and reintegrate. Last night I got home from work a little early. On the drive home my wife let me know suddenly that my family would be out of town for the night, and I knew the space was a gift. Of course immediately with that, I began putting pressure on myself to take full advantage of the time being offered to me for spiritual unfolding. From there I watched as procrastination and self-distraction came and tried to fill the space.

A long story made short,over the course of two hours in between plenty of self judgment and through a combination of heartfelt prayer, music, movement expression, sungazing, openhand videos and posts, walking in nature eyes closed, contemplation, and regression, I finally began to delve into the density. The Break Through Subconscious Limitations video is always particularly catalyzing. That one is a true gem.

I just really feel to emphasize that it was not pretty. We’re talking spitting, screaming, convolutions, convulsions and physical distortion, tears streaming, ripping clothes off, energetic visuals of light exploding through different parts of my energetic system, sobbing and kneeling and praying for strength – the works. Maybe it’s just me and others have a smoother, more functioning process.

However, throughout the embodiment of all that pain there was a knowing throughout that it was just another experience. And the knowing that it was essential for me to feel it.

Afterward I caught the end of a movie – the last 30 minutes of M Night Shamalan’s Signs – which catalyzed and released even more. From there I was almost immediately taken into two of my more challenging distortions.

Comfort Food and Sexuality. i.e. overconsumption and lack of awareness in both.

I had a really nice and reverential dinner of organic salad and eggs (we share space with several chickens and ducks on our property). Soon after I wanted to “test” myself with a bag of chips.

Not too tough to figure out how that went. Picture a friggin human raptor on the couch – inhaling chips for all he’s worth – chastising himself after each mouthful - covering himself in crumbs. I will say this though – I stayed more IN most of the experience and watched it with curiosity and some humor while it was happening. I felt that I could have just totally abstained up front but that would've pushed the growth opportunity down the line for another time. I felt a little bit better about it from that lens, but facts are facts: I proceeded to polish off half a bag of chips despite denying my higher intention for each and every bite.

Same deal with sexuality. I'm alone, it's been a good bit of time since my last physical release - and here I thought I'd done away with pornography way back down the path. But the urge and temptation to fill the space was STILL there! And pornography is pretty much the epitome of gross distortion of both male and female energy.

Here I was able to observe my feelings closely, weigh the known consequences based on past experience, and took the higher choice. Yay me! :)

I could've probably gone more graphic with a lot of this, but suffice it to say - Just because it's ugly doesn't mean it isn't serving a higher purpose.

I then woke up this morning at 4am with a piercing headache and nausea that stayed with me for the past 10 hours. Movement is painful. Light is painful. Sound is painful.

I could have "pushed through" and sucked it up and gone into work. But today I cancelled all appointments and gave myself the gift of space. And I'm glad.

Onward (Inward),

Paul E