Hello friends,

Open, I had tears ’all the way’ down my face.

Megha, haha! I’m laughing at your description of the ‘snarl’ 😂

No, the path ain’t always pretty. In fact, in my experience, most of the time it isn’t. Most of the time it’s in your face ugly, back breaking, world shattering, and gut wrenching. Speaking of guts, I just walked out on my sick 6 year old daughter, kissing her goodbye while she literally puked her guts out into a bucket. Last night I wanted to have some quality time putting my toddler to bed, as we wouldn’t be seeing each other for a few nights, but instead of lazy cozy time I got crazy noisy time. My son went into complete hysterics over I don’t know what and there was nothing I could do to calm him down. It’s never happened before, that I haven’t been able to calm him down for that long period of time. I was so lost in my own apparent lack of skills to manoeuvre the situation, the only thing I knew to do was ask for guidance. ”Feel the pain”... Ok, I’m most definitely feeling the pain, I replied, but now what do I do with my son? But all I got was just ”feel the pain...feel the pain...”over and over. So I did. I felt the lack of control, the fear of failure, and the devastation of not being enough. I cried like a baby, but to be honest, I couldn’t completely let go of my need to fix. I eventually found a way to fix the situation, to calm him down, but perhaps at least there was a softer approach and a higher degree of surrender present in my action.

At the airport now, flight to Koln is delayed. I’m usually a confident comfortable traveler. I’ve done it so many times. Today it feels like I’ve never traveled before. I’m completely lost at my home airport and nothing makes sense. The guy at the cash register asks my name, and for a few seconds I can’t remember, neither my name nor why I am here. I order the wrong thing, so now I’m stuck with a hot grilled sandwich I had planned to save for several hours later. Michael Jackson is playing loudly in the background.

” I’m looking at the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways... ”

Oh yes, that’s it. Now I recall why I’m here. I just have to trust the flow will get me where I need to be. I look at my own face in the bathroom mirror. Dark circles under my eyes and hollow cheeks reveal how little sleep I’ve had the last couple of weeks. I look and feel like a train wreck. For a minute it bothers me. Shouldn’t I do something about it? Maybe put some makeup on? Then I remember, I’m no longer going to the MISS FIT & TYPECAST convention. I’m off to the MISFIT & OUTCAST convention. Ah... everything is perfect then, I’ll fit right in. I hear lyrics in my spaced out head. As I was leaving the house and my vomiting daughter, part of the theme song from her DVD - Alice in Wonderland - kept repeating and I felt then, as I can feel now, that everything is probably working out exactly as it should.

Oh Alice...it’s a wonder you know who you are, cause you’ve been traveling far. You’re off to that other land now...

Love to all of you, ’loonies’,

Anastasia