Dear Open and Elaine and Barb ,

I am in an interesting place in my life and I am sharing because it seems relevant .

I was in an abusive relationship with someone and thanks to my aversion for conflict it lasted fourteen years . In seperating and living alone I have discovered how I either go into spiritual bypassing ( my coping strategy since childhood) or a deep rage that feels like lava in my veins . Very similar to your very difficult experience Barb . I also feel a lot of heat in my heart area and in my base ( reconfiguring is the word I hear )

I am currently in the midst of filing for child support and despite wanting inevitably to settle out of court ,I find myself legally fighting an unpleasant battle in the most compromised,hopeless legal system in the world. I am very averse to fighting - I would rather just settle for the breadcrumbs he is offering me ,but something tells me this is what I need to do so I am challenging him in court . After being in denial for a decade and a half all my repressed fear and trauma bonding is coming to the fore . It feels awful . And my psyche inevitably wants to either lash out at my ex for treating me badly then and now or at myself for stating in that situation. It is difficult staying in the truth of what I am feeling day to day.

And yet stating the fiery transformative fire of my own karma or whatever reasons is deeply ...alive . In a very short time I have learnt about boundaries in relationship ,and my own core inner wounding and also my deepest insecurities around resources and support and a need for outside validation .

As I am grappling with a million emotions at once ,I am learning to be soft and compassionate with myself and also support myself best I can .

It is FAR away from the very artificial high of being that I was tapping into - removed from all the threads of human dysfunction that kept me in that space by spiritual practices that didn't emphasize authenticity over peace. And ,for me ,the whole debate of duality vs unity consciousness is moot .

I am whilst going through this also having the most amazing multi dimensional experiences. ( I saw and helped dispatch a creature that looked like a Dementor after coming back from court ) and also feeling like I am setting up a path of Light into this very dense knotty situation . Miracles abound in the midst of this craziness. And there seems to be this amazing wave of transformation that seems to be sweeping through family and friends in contact with me in the middle of bout of crying and combativeness that I am experiencing .

For me ,the words "plugged in " were very telling. From my humble and rather messy perspective ,I am learning to be plugged in into nothing except my own Truth . Very sketchily for now ,but it feels REAL .

Just my two cents ,folks .

Megha