Dear Friends,
Directed by a strong pull I found myself walking along a touristy river pathway at the heart of my city this afternoon. It was a surprising move as I never go there. So I said “show me”. Was I ever shown! An immediate tightening up in my torso and neck literally choked me and I bent forward. My eyes welled up. What is this feeling? A profoundly deep sense of loss. The grieving process kicked in. Margaret has always been awful at grieving (wow, I'm talking about myself in the 3rd person... this is new... suddenly I feel lighter ... I think a large chunk of identity just fell off as I was typing this... there is joy sipping into my heart, I don't even feel this is my name) I just wanted to embrace her and all the pain she endured with tenderness and presence. I see her beauty, her depth , the self-defeat, the whole story of Margaret . Such a deep grief and a reflex to not let her go, to hold her forever. But there is no turning back. I really want to honour her departure with a ceremony. Reka and Helen brought my attention to full moon happening tomorrow. If I can go beyond the fear of loss, it would be a good timing. No clarity yet what the ceremony would be and I feel resistance, but we’ll see. Whatever wants to unfold is ok. I will however sit with this feeling of resistance/control and the fear of loss.

So, I took a walk along the river. A large billboard for a new condo building said “The next level of living is coming!”. This was sweet and encouraging, but I still felt the gripping fear of loss. I’ve noticed green posts with the word “help”, a button and a speaker built in. They are tourists information stations and are placed all along the wide river pathway. So, there is a help for me out there and to receive it, I just simply need to ask (press the button). But whom do I ask? And then I saw it. A few white feathers leading to one of the help stations. I kept walking, heartbroken and touched until my body said “go back home and get some rest already!”. And I did.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring and that’s ok. I know my body needs a major rest and lots of grounding. This energy running through my dantiens feels exhilarating, but is wearing my body off. And the long trip is coming up soon. One of the places I’ll visit in Asia this week is “The Lion Head City”. I’ll be meeting a person there who is a Leo. Something tells me, this is significant. I’ll just continue going step by step and feeling into this strange movie of a life.

Catherine – I got such a jolt of energy from your encouraging post! Woohoo!
Fiona – Thank you for your feedback. I’m always very happy to be able to reflect something for someone.
Helen – Thank you for your advice. I’ve just learned the celestial breathing through the major energy gateways during the Qigong workshop. It is very similar to the exercise you described. Nice feedback loop! I just need to be discerning with my tendency to over-effort.
KD1 – Thank you for encouraging me to share. I’m happy you enjoyed my posts. I love your OMMM story!

With love and tremendous gratitude to the Openhand Community.

Margaret