I think I run out of tears. I had so much anger towards Gaia for allowing the suffering of the earthlings from the beginning of times, for abandoning us. I felt rotten for blaming her, but really had to let it all out without any obstructions. Man, was I ever livid! When that was done and I calmed down I felt a large round gate at my root chakra opening wide and up slowly came hot red tangible energy and something like lava came out of my mouth and eyes. It wasn't unpleasant, just strange. My consciousness felt much sturdier and broader. Did my consciousness reconfigure itself so I could process this huge anger towards Gaia or/and my mother? I felt suffering of the earthlings again, even the tiny ones. Then, there were more images and feelings. It was exhausting and I had to lie down on the basement floor… I felt held. I thought maybe it was Gaia holding me and perhaps she is nice after all.

Many here on the Openhand site admit to a deep connection with Gaia. I do feel a connection too sometimes, but never directly, usually through a tree or an animal. She scares and angers me at times and I often don’t want to have much to do with her, which is a bit comical since I was born here and need plants to survive. Nevertheless, these are my feelings. I will continue exploring this connection by expressing more... perhaps at the tree in the garden tomorrow. I feel a bit of a trepidation when I think about the possibility of rejection by the "earthy folks" for being different, but this is the truth and I will not sugarcoat it.

I also processed the sword and a possible energy blockage in the Atlas bone. Sometimes these things feel like just a vivid imagination, so I’m not even sure what happened tonight.

Dear Zac, Jen and Amber. Thank you for your encouragement and links. I really like the wave analogy, Zac, it felt very vivid to me. You have such an uplifting energy and I'm happy we connected here. Jen, when you mentioned experiencing violence for just being it unlocked so much anger in me and a realization of the futility of a fight. That is new to me, so yay!

Good night.

M.