Chapter 15 - The Ascension of Gaia. On p118 Open describes an earlier experience he had whereby…
“I recalled the much younger Gaia incarnating, but was shocked to the core, by the immense gravitational forced that she was having to endure. It was like the intense weight of her, was now crushing and condensing me into the floor. The pain was excruciating, my mind whirling like being stuck inside a giant washing machine. This was Hell!”
I could read no further. At the moment my eyes touched upon the words, ‘...Gaia incarnating,’ my body jerked and tightened, emotion surged through me and came out as uncontrollable sobs of fear and panic. As I put the book down, the memory of my worst life experience was back in an instant.
Over the past ten years I have on three separate occasions, experienced something beyond all my worst imaginings yet have managed to push it back, unwilling to deal with it. Unable to understand how it was linked to my everyday life or spiritual development. And unwilling to think about it for fear the memory would cause the experience to return in its original form. Until I read those words today.
It feels important to me that I try to share how intolerable this ‘thing’ is, but I know it’s impossible with words. All I can do is say that I have been through stuff in life that has pushed me to the very limits physically, emotionally and spiritually, yet all of these events are as nothing in comparison.
The ‘thing’ (have no other words to relate to it) always happened at night. I would wake up with no memory of having had a bad dream (unusual, as I always had a clear memory of any nightmares); the sheer panic, the terror, of being compressed beyond all imagining. Intolerable for a human to witness and experience, I just cannot describe in words with any realism. I could not bear it. Even more than the physical feeling of being bodily compacted, worse was the energetic or spiritual sense of being forced, contained in an impossible, unendurable, incommensurate space. I wanted to end my life in that instant.
I have never believed in ‘madness.’ Having worked in secure units with mental health patients, I maintained that no person’s thoughts or behaviour were ‘mad’ - the observer just couldn’t see or feel things from the patient’s viewpoint. But during my experience of that ‘thing,’ I was actually deranged. I felt it intensely, and I wanted to end my human existence as I couldn’t tolerate the experience of compression and madness for even a split second. Each time, I would tear off my clothes and jewellery in a desperate effort to ease it.
The reason I am still here today is that I somehow managed to distract myself from the experience of that thing. I say ‘I somehow managed,’ as if it were some personal feat, although I know there is obviously another intervention at play. After a couple of seconds the ultimate intensity would fade, although the sheer terror remained for a few minutes… I can look back and see that some kind of calming, or even ‘forgetting’ was being applied to me in some way. While it has helped me to carry on living this life, I’m not sure if this intervention is Benevolent or otherwise. Although as the fearful event has happened on three separate occasions, I’m in no doubt that ‘something’ is out there waiting for future processing.
Today, I’m left with questions…is the experience a signpost showing that just myself, or possibly all humans share a similar birthing trauma, based on a sense of compaction and imprisonment of Spirit energy into Form? Do other people have similar experiences?
Thank you, Wendy.