What am I?

If I am not the ego, then am I the soul? If I am not the soul then what is the soul and what is it's purpose?

If I am not the ego or the soul then who or what is it asking the questions?

Does the ego only ask questions or does the soul ask questions? And how can you tell the difference?

If I am not the soul, am I the observer? And who is asking the questions on whats being observed? Is there anything beyond the observer? And can I reach that place by simply observing? If I am none of things then what am I?

I have been meditating recently and invoking feelings that I feel I need to work with, and I wonder who is it that thinks I 'need' to work with anything? Is it just the ego keeping itself in business? But I also know that I can't just tell myself I am already whole and complete and just observe an that's it because it doesn't work.

How do you I hold two seemingly opposite energies at once? So I invoke a feeling I feel that I need to work with, and I become the observer of that feeling, so then its seems as if the feeling itself dissolves because the observer is neutral and non judgmental of the feeling, its just watching it, so then the feeling dissolves, but how do I know I have felt the feeling enough and not just dissolved it? As it seems that it is impossible to hold the relative 'issue' and be the non judgmental observer of it at the same time?

I'm confused! Any help very welcome.

Thank you


Add new comment


If I wasn't sure myself, I'd ask and then watch. But yes, by all means ask a mirror for some help :-)

I'd say 22 is inviting you to see your twin flame in everything. It's about seeing reflections of that aspect of soul that completes you inside. So not to just engage with life at the surface level all the time, but see through it into the deeper meaning, the deeper feeling. Then to complete the sense of that by feeling it inside.

You might be looking at a cloud or a bird or the smile on someone's face. You have to get continually past any mind judgment of what you think you need or want from the moment. How does that truly make you feel? It takes a lot of practice for it to work. But when we do so, it starts to transcend us into the real meaning of life.

And 21? Remember what I wrote about in chapter 21 of Divinicus?
Time is of the essence.

Open *OK*

I can't find the numerology link anywhere today but wanted to ask you about 22:22. I have seen this for ages as well as 11:11 which you discussed. Also 21:21! What do you feel these numbers are telling me? :)

Thank you Open for posting the video on Walking the Path and the link to Trinity's article on Listening to the Soul. Both really spoke to me today. <3


How to know "what serves your highest good?" It's a great question and there's only one way to fully know the answer: that is to be walking the path of the constant conscious choice in every moment.

What you'll likely find prior to that, is a kind of 'popping in and out of the highest choice'. It'll likely be frequently confusing, but every now and then, things will click into place and you'll read the synchronicity supporting the higher choice. But for this to become ever clearer, you have to be looking at the moment less from the perspective of what you want from it, and more from what it can reveal about yourself.

When you're truly walking the path of the constant conscious choice, in other words 'checking in with the sense of your soul in every decision', then you get to see how the moment patterns to reveal what is ego and what is soul. The ego contracts you, the soul expands you. There will definitely be grey areas to work through, but then synchronicity backs up the higher choice.

In this state of being, it may be that you know the higher choice but are not yet fully able to make it because you haven't fully processed out the lower one. But at least you know the higher one, and are consciously working towards it.

So it's all to do with awareness, and the degree to which we engage in the real interplay of the moment, not simply the surface level drama.


PS: Here's an interesting article by Trinity on Listening to the Soul

and our video on Walking the Path...

Hello my friend Richard!

Thank you for your kind words and I must say, I feel the same way about you. It was an honour to sit in circle with you during level 2. Great question you've asked!



May I ask you to elaborate on 'feeling what serves your highest good'?
Surely the answer is subject to any number of limiting distortions, depending on where someone is on their path. And what can an answer be? Or is it as simple as watching for synchronicities (something I must confess I have by no means mastered yet)?

Thanks, Richard

Hi Sandra,
It's really great to read your comments on here, as you express yourself through words. I know words are ambiguous and often misinterpreted, but I have always had a great vibe of honesty and authenticity from you. So, just wanted to say thanks for your posts.

Thanks for your response Open. Yes, we are all subject to our own interpretation of words which is often drawing on our model of life, our perspective. After responding to your question I thought you were perhaps referring to blind faith, the faith that many turn their will and power over to.

I have used the "vibration" of words to guide me for quite some time through feelings of resonance or dissonance. At times I will say something and the vibration feels "off". I use to stop at the feeling of dissonance recognizing it as "not my truth" and leave it at that. In recent years I follow the frequency through the layers where I often locate the attachment or conditioned belief. The picture I hold is of an orchestra conductor using his ear to locate the untuned instrument.

Earlier in my spiritual journey I was looking for outcomes to manifest safety; freedom and abundance are a few examples. I came to realize that when I looked for outcomes that manifest safety I was remaining in a pattern cultivated in 3D. There are so many desires one can have that when distilled down, safety is at the root. It was at this time I let go of the need to find safety in manifestations outside of myself. I had let go of finding safety in material items much earlier, and this was replaced with finding safety through desired "feelings". It was the next step on the evolutionary path where I was directed inward. After a period of time I evolved beyond manifesting through desired feelings. Now I move through life knowing that I am truly safe during my experiences. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this when my ego attempt to identify with fear. Feeling safe during an experience allows me to remain conscious and grounded throughout the experience and to at times experience the universe within me.

As I continue to evolve I understand the need to feel safe will dissolve as I deepen further into presence. I can sense in my being a shift from being Sandra wanting to experience infinite potential, to being infinite potential having the experience of Sandra. I'm smiling :-)

That sounds lovely and really powerful for you Sandra - personally I particularly resonate with 'faith is a knowing which dwells within'. When I spoke of faith above, I was referring to the kind of typical 'blind faith' of a religion. What you have sounds very different. It's so often in the interpretation of the words.

When you're living in presence, there is just, what I might describe "isness". It's like personally, I don't have any use for hope either. To me, hope is simply a non acceptance of the moment, wishing for something else than it already is. Rather than embracing the moment exactly as it is, asking if something doesn't serve my higher good, then working step-by-step to unravel what stands in the way.

And also what need is there of safety in this sense? Safety from what? From yourself? Because in presence everything is you.


There is our unique experience of presence - our soul. It has a right to be, and to live and to express. And it can feel disconnected at times. And it can feel very vulnerable too. And a sense of knowing - possibly your interpretation of 'faith' - helps build a consciousness landscape, which brings things into being. And this requires authentic inner yearning (what some might describe as hope).

Really it's all in the words and how each interprets them. When you use a word then, I find it useful to ask if what you understand by the word either contracts or liberates; either disempowers as a being or empowers. In those contemplations you'll find attachment if it's there.

Open *OK*

Faith has evolved for me throughout my awakening. Originally I experienced it as belief in a universal energy outside of myself that would take care of me. It has acted as a safe ledge, when I surrendered how I defined myself and the world around me, faith would support me through the challenge of letting go of the need to know outcomes. It has evolved over time and now resides in me as a sense of knowing that I am far more than I experience myself to be. My sense of faith is no longer outside of me - it now dwells within. As I type my response I can feel a sense of attachment to faith. Perhaps what I'm now experiencing is more about trust than faith. Is this sense of attachment a distortion created through believing that safety lies within myself disguised as faith?

I understand what you are sharing Open, and I have a sense you are speaking from dimensions beyond the 5D when you reference not believing in beliefs or even faith. I feel that faith is part of the ascension process and serves as a strong foundation during surrender, when one is letting go of attachments within the 3D and 4D. Faith has served me well, especially when I felt I no longer wanted to be here on this planet. Faith is still serving me as my ego unravels and wants to return to identification. Faith allows me to live without the need for signs from the universe, which is another way of me wanting to create a new identity. It is helping me to evolve to a place where there is nothing to anticipate, and where I can live from a place where I let identifications, definitions and attachments dissolve. And then what? The knowing within me is that I will let go of my belief or "need" for faith.

A number of years ago I was in Taos NM where I had an experience while releasing energy essence that was attached to Gaia. I left my body and traveled with the energies. When I returned moments later I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. I had momentarily touched what to me felt like Source, and upon returning my ego immediately attached to the experience which resulted in the feelings of grief and loss from having to let go of an expanded feeling I still cannot define. When you wrote about infinite potential "The sense of it is so profoundly moving, ego can easily build and want to own that experience" I relate it to this experience.

I feel I am evolving in a very grounded and realistic manner. I am not trying to bypass the stages I must move through on my journey. Complete honesty within ourselves is an important stage of the evolutionary process.

Thank you Open and Openhand,


The 'creator' is indeed a fascinating subject.

My journey has taken me deep into what I know to be the 'source' of it all - what some would call 'the creator'. To me, this presence is totally beyond words or definition - because that would be to limit it. How could one lessen it by being a something?

Some call it the 'infinite', or the 'nothing/everything'. To me, it is infinite potential, that which is unviolated by existence. The sense of it is so profoundly moving, ego can easily build and want to own that experience, in which case, only a dim shadow of it is created - a lesser 'God'.

When I explain the absence of such a manifest 'thing' to people, sometimes they feel a sense of loss; until that is, they realise nothing... is everything!

To one who has truly surrendered into the source, there is no sense of loss at all; quite the opposite. You realise the unbounded, infinite potential of the unlimited possibility that you are. How miraculous is that!


Thanks for taking the time and the video. Although the forward looking approach is healthy and even healing, I find it limiting especially the absence of a Creator (as implied in the video). I know I manifested in this reality because I wanted to and the Creator allowed me to.

With so much information out there - multiple dimensions/densities of existence, singularities, Christ image, Annunaki/World Order, eastern view of time...my reality has so far boiled down into service to others as driven by the natural flow of love.

I get the 5 gateways and concurrently/continuously experience them in various degrees.

I guess I'm not quite there yet...some day. Thanks again.

Interesting questions indeed. Welcome to Openhand :-)

Here at Openhand we don't believe in beliefs. Or faith. Only realisation - to know what is truth for you. And so we share a perspective on truth and invite others to see what they feel about that.

But not to think about it as such. Not to debate with the intellect and come up with the best idea. Not to theorise, but instead to realise. It's that deep "aha" sense inside when you recognise truth. It's like falling in love; true love has no formula, it simply is, and is known.

    And when you realise, it is only ever your truth. Your truth doesn't need to mean it's true for someone else; and if it isn't, that doesn't negate your truth either. In this way, we avoid the black-hole that religion so often falls into: the need for others to follow your truth so as to make it more true for you. Often, probably because truth hasn't been realised at all, only ideas are taken on board and believed in as 'faith'. The concept of faith, to me, is simply the fudge which tries to excuse the fact that you don't know.

So with that in mind, I put it to you that to consider ourselves 'trapped' or 'victims' here is to give identity to the soul. If that were the case, where did such identity come from? I put it to you that the sense of identity, as in a small "I", that can be victimised by the universe in some way, is really the ego. At Openhand that means where the soul becomes attached to reality and thus distorted in some way.

Also, I put it to you that there is no purpose to life as such. For there to be a purpose, that would presuppose a being to have the purpose. And where did that being come from? Who created it? Who created the creator? But there is sense of purpose; which people experience as a pull within them to ever higher sense of unity and oneness - the pull to unconditional love.

Really choice is an illusion. I put it to you that all sense of choice arises from the interplay between separation and unity consciousness which arose at the bigbang - as the presence of the One subdivided into these opposing flows of awareness, of consciousness, of light. Most people think they're making choices when really what's going on, is the resolution of the interplay between these two flows of consciousness inside of them. The soul gets stuck for some considerable time within attachments such as perceived needs and desires - often addictions. Or else frequently, it's the need for a particular outcome from the moment or a resistance to something else.

I put it to you that really there is only ever one authentic choice a being can make, and that is to surrender into the mainstream of the soul felt as a movement within, reuniting you with the source. It's something that can happen in every moment which then drives authentic choice like a path of light opening before you. This state, would be an enlightened one - in the Openhand view.

You might find this helps understand the approach...

Did our soul willfully chose to manifest in this world or were we trapped into this existence?

I don't believe there is a perfect religion but my impression is that all claim to be perfect. Believers trying to reconcile imperfections (e.g in the bible) are left either in a turmoil or just stop thinking.

We are not perfect so I assume my understanding of this path to enlightenment will also be less than perfect.

Is the purpose of our existence in this density part of our soul's evolution or are we victims, entrapped by more powerful beings?

Thank you. Really. THANK YOU.
To Openhand. Trinity and Open. The depth of what you are doing is beyond words. I had no idea how much.

Then the pool of aloneness is exactly where you need to be.
And yes, you - the small I - would disappear in it.
That's the fear that you need to keep feeling until you become okay with it.

I feel like I really have to do this now. Fully, completely...no compromise.

Could you help me with something if possible?

Often I feel that there is a great expansive pool of 'aloneness'...that kind of looms somewhere around me, recently I have made some major changes in my life, I feel I am confronting things that I previously was afraid to confront.

So I feel like I am following the path of my soul yet when this pool of aloneness makes itself known, I am so afraid that I don't won't to go into it. I feel as though I may fall into it and disappear forever or be completely obliterated by it. So I dip in and jump back out, yet without the courage to immerse myself fully.

What is this feeling of total, complete and utter aloneness?



Interesting - the rabbit hole is often one of identification with pain or resistance or insensitivity to it. Mostly people don't want to go into the pain caused by separation from the source. And this is what keeps them from going deeper.

The problem is that society is this major 'soft shoulder' - people are mostly placated out of the pain. Whereas the pain is the path. We must get deeply into it, keep pulling the threads that reveal and not push them away - taking ownership.

That way the identities break down - you go deeper down the rabbit hole.


I love this thread. Recent explorations have taken me deep into it. The wonderful initial slipperyness of it invites less efforting and then when the inner landscape naturally settles for long enough there's a sense or knowing where 'you' are no longer form or thought where connection beyond beingness is . My experiences are very atuned to your explanation Open...think Buddhism call it 'no mind' & it is appropriately also known as 'Open' ground.
Thank you, the clarity is so appreciated.

You're right on track Jen...

    "allowing myself to let go of the observer and dive into the experience of the feeling is key...and then once really felt, noticing/feeling the sense of beingness that is right in the midst of the feeling and yet is not the experience at all."

You see you cannot find the Seer, Pure Presence, that which precedes experience, that which you truly are by looking for it. Or else that which is looking - the Observer - has already established the condition of separation and therefore less than everything and therefore an identity.

So what you can do - have to do - is instead align yourself (as the Observer) with the sense of rightness, which is the soul itself. Then you continually become the experience of the soul, at which point, you start to drop into the presence that precedes the soul or is rather the source of the soul. But once you try looking for the source again - that which you are - it suddenly vaporises.

We have to keep aligning with the soul, unwinding the distortions in mid flow, then we'll get to increasingly know the state of presence which is through all. Suddenly voila, we've recognised who we truly are and that state remains - Enlightenment. But don't expect it to happen over night - it's a long journey!


PS: the journey can also be quite fast - you'd just have to commit 100% to coming from pure being in every situation - no compromise.

PPS: there's no rush!

Awesome exploration and expression - I love your poem! I totally resonate with what you wrote above especially here:

"How do you I hold two seemingly opposite energies at once? So I invoke a feeling I feel that I need to work with, and I become the observer of that feeling, so then its seems as if the feeling itself dissolves because the observer is neutral and non judgmental of the feeling, its just watching it, so then the feeling dissolves, but how do I know I have felt the feeling enough and not just dissolved it? As it seems that it is impossible to hold the relative 'issue' and be the non judgmental observer of it at the same time?"

Years of practicing detachment and being the non-judgemental observer has severed me from feeling. I have also observed that it feels impossible to watch the feeling and still feel it as it immediately dissolves when it's seen. From what I am gathering, allowing myself to let go of the observer and dive into the experience of the feeling is key...and then once really felt, noticing/feeling the sense of beingness that is right in the midst of the feeling and yet is not the experience at all. Perhaps someone else can elaborate on this more as I am only just starting to really go into this but felt to respond here.

xo Jenny

There is a doorway
A gateway to the soul
Where truth resides
Already complete and whole

Fear masks this doorway to our own liberation
Fear that blocks us from expressing the highest of truths
Fear that blinds us to accept things less than we are worth
Material bargains that bind us to illusionary realities
What if we burst the bubble of our conditioning?
What if we dared to confront the feelings?

What if we followed our soul?

Completely, unreservedly, expressing, fully
Bravely stepping out into the world
No longer afraid of what awaits us
Just outside of our comfort zone
No longer bargaining the material for the soul
Just allowing what feels right in the core of our being
To flow freely from us
No judgment at all

Grow beyond my own self?
Evolve through the darkness
A catalyst to Self?
Can I observe my self fully?
Without judging a thing
To release eons of burdens
Let go of it all?

Sometimes its only when completely shattered
So tired of it all
Body aching all over
I am forced to let go
Let go of the worry and strife
Let go of the outcome
Be just ok, with whatever comes…

Only then attachments release
The heart and soul they burst open
A truly authentic path emerges from the ashes
From each small death within
To who or what I thought I was
By accepting all parts of my experience
Letting go of what no longer serves
I find my true self radiating forth
Ever stronger than before
But in the gap in the emptiness of it all
There is just a huge space
‘I am’ nothing at all
So who is asking these questions?
In the moment of that space
The empty space where there is nothing at all?
As I type these words now
From where do they flow?
The ego, the soul
The observer of it all?

What if, What if
I am that which precedes soul
What does this mean
The soul a doorway to nothing
‘I am’ nothing, no one
An experience of everything?
An experience of nothing?

My head spins with confusion
Something tries to cling on
To hold form in the formless
Afraid, must hold on
Holding on to emptiness
A paradox of words
The words just a doorway to nothingness
To beyond the space where everything is born

Yes it will spin the head - that's because it probably connects with the soul in ways not fully touched previously. That part of the soul activates which then flows through a landscape which is now seriously in question. All of these identifications must break. That's the scary part!


Hi Open

Thanks for your reply.

I can't find many words in response. Just feeling a head spinning, WOW, but...what???? ...kind of feeling!

But thanks!

This is an awesome thread of questions Gwen - when I read them as you've written them, it takes me on a journey through all the layers presenting themselves in you.

Allow me to respond directly from the source that I know (from my perspective on reality):

    Who am I? It's a paradox.
    'Who' you truly are is that which precedes being.
    Therefore there is no 'who'.
    It's experienced as emptiness, when that sense can be recognised in the soul.
    The emptiness is then experienced as pure presence.
    Pure presence is what precedes the soul.
    When the soul arises into being, then it becomes the sense of "I am" - depending on the degree of identification with the sense of separation.
    But the "I am" is only a sense, an experience, of presence, of everything and therefore nothing, because there is no separation when there is the condition of everything and therefore no relativity.

    I 'experience' it as a total lack of experience that penetrates all experience.

    So the soul is really the sense of "I am" as an experience but is not "I am".

    Before the soul is self-realised, it will confuse itself with reality in various ways:

      - first it confuses itself with the bodymind; the attachment forms what is really meant by 'ego'.
      - once the ego has gone, then a part of the soul tends to form a shadow identity; usually karmic based on where the soul is still getting attached to reality in some way due to past life experiences.
      - the soul will also likely form spiritual identities around some or all of the Seven Rays of Divine Impulse. Each ray kind of forms 'echos' in reality and eddy currents around the echos; and because of the 'noise' the shadow aspect of the soul is drawn deeper into the eddy current of consciousness and held there. Thus the soul thinks and behaves like the echo. The shadow knows how the soul should be and so behaves like the soul. It's what you could call an 'imposter of the soul'.
      - finally all identities are dissolved and there's a knowing that you are simply presence. There's no need of "Who am I?" It becomes a seriously amusing question! (to oneself) You end up laughing to yourself about it! At least that's what happened to 'this' soul.

    Until self realisation (meaning the soul fully realises itself as an expression of the One Life), each being will have lots of internal conundrums about the true identity of the One within them. There'll be kind of experiences of presence, but quickly either the ego or shadow identities own the experience and make them all about the small I.

Who am I? There's no one here! LOL!