Redefining Relationships - 7 Essential Qualities for Evolved Relating
The shift is challenging relationships to evolve
Our consciousness shift is hotting up. People are unwinding, unfolding and breaking free from aeons of constraint. It's a truly wonderful movement to behold. I feel blessed to be here during these times of profound change. But it's a double edged sword too. In many cases it's generating untold pressure within families and relationships: it's causing great friction and sometimes even tearing them apart. What is the most effective approach to this unfolding dynamic? I feel strongly in my heart we need to redefine the very nature of relationships...
Classic Archetypal Relationships
Consider for a moment some of the classic archetypal relationships like marriages, partnerships, parent-child, friends and work colleagues. These are classic stereotypes that have been fixed quite rigidly in humanity's collective consciousness, cemented by aeons of conditioning.
What do these relationship archetypes do to the soul?
To me, the soul arises from the inner void of pure presence. In enlightened states, the soul is highly spontaneous. It flows like the wind through the trees and although has consistency, is never completely predictable. It flows according to the myriad of possibilities within our consciousness landscape.
Prior to this state of course, there is the conditioning of the ego to overcome. The ego builds loops of conditioned programming based on our upbringing and the dogmatic beliefs within society. Many take on either controller or victim type mentality (or a subtle blend of both). Each behaviourism is like a computer program, it has a purpose and a need to run. All it requires is someone else to push the buttons. The risk is to end up living in co-dependant emotional and psychological states.
Working with the Law of Attraction
Society has inculcated in people fixed ideas and notions about how our relationships with people should be. These are not just conscious thoughts however. I'm speaking of an inner consciousness landscape that impacts our lives but for many, cannot even be seen, touched or felt. The ego is looking through conditioned veils.
That's why embracing the (authentic!) Law of Attraction is so beneficial to us. We draw to ourselves the mirror: one which not only reflects how we are, but also how we could be. The mirror activates all kinds of inner buttons - like that of blame for example: "why are you doing this to me?" is the classic, disempowered cry.
The problem is that soul's are working towards enlightenment- total freedom of expression and liberation. They don't want to be put on show like some bird of paradise and simply admired, they yearn to escape the cage and fly freely.
Opening Pandora's Box
What I've frequently noticed in marriages and partnerships for example, is the challenge of one partner accelerating or having a breakthrough, whilst the other remains temporarily constant. It can place inordinate amounts of stress within a fixed 'relationship'.
If we get up one morning expecting our partner to be exactly how they were yesterday, speaking to them and treating them as some kind of fixed identity that we rotate around, then in effect, a prison of consciousness is being created to either stifle the unfolding soul or causing it to rebel.
You can't close the Pandoras box once it is opened!
And of course in being totally authentic, we provide the possibility for others to see their truth too. If we're always living according to their expectations, then the mirror we're supposed to provide is tainted and so we're actually disempowering them, because we remove the possibility of an accurate reflection...
"Mirror mirror on the wall, aren't I the fairest of them all?"
Well actually, you probably need to peel away a few layers first!
I've also experienced the dynamic from the other side. Where I've allowed myself to be seen and defined simply as "Dad", it's come with all kind of limiting expectations within the child that I simply couldn't live up to. Yes, I feel compassionately responsible, but I find my soul naturally challenges situations where another would become dependent upon me. Not that I haven't naturally supported them, but love does not smother, it empowers and liberates.
If you love someone, set them free!
In one of my three paternal/child 'relationships', which was at the time was struggling for true empathy and understanding, we jointly ditched the word "Dad". I encouraged my "son" to call me Open and to embrace me exactly as he found me, without expectation. Likewise, I allowed myself to see him less of a "son" (in a labeled sense) and to address him as I found him.
I can tell you it had a deeply profound effect, like switching from night to day. Any expectations (including karma on his part) positively broke up and floated away like a helium balloon with the "Dad" label attached. Although we are both very different - in many ways like chalk and cheese - we have come to totally accept each other the way we are. It took much of the stress out of our relationship, that led to a mutual 'relating' situation which honours both.
By ditching the labels, we were able to find a more aligned relating experience. It's been heart-warming!
The new relating
My first marriage ended because my own dramatic awakening through a car crash which my partner struggled to relate to. My personality changed overnight - I couldn't be so constrained anymore. There was a rightness to our parting - our paths were strongly diverging (it often happens when one awakens and the other doesn't).
So I don't see relationships in the 'till death us do part' manner. I believe we have 'sacred agreements' at a soul level to work out with one another. Once the lessons have been learned, either the relationship will evolve and grow together, or the path of the souls will part and each go separate ways to pastures new.
When I came into relationship the second time, I can openly say it was with some trepidation. I had discovered blissful freedom. I didn't want to be constrained again. I simply knew all souls were meant to be free. I remember taking myself off into nature one day, having had a challenging time, pondering my new relationship, when the following realisation popped into my heart...
"Rigid relationships are as redundant as building structures on shifting sand. The sand has no fixed relationship with the sea, rather it relates to the ebb and flow of the waves as and when they choose to kiss the shoreline." Openhand
Wow! It was like a bolt from the blue. Instantly I could comprehend how to be in this relationship: that it should be fluid and flowing; there should be no expectation; there should be space and openness; there should be total acceptance and embracing of where the other person is at. It means you can truly connect with the other, at a deep soul level. It means you can love them unconditionally. It means you can love them more! Furthermore, such openness in our relating, is a powerful catalyst for your own evolution. No longer can you rely upon the tired excuses of yesterday, you have to be alive to the moment, vibrant, attentive, empathic and above all, open to change.
7 Essential qualities in Evolved Relating
So how might we attain such openness within our 'relationships'? Seven key qualities spring to mind...
- Core splitting honesty: make no mistake, if we're truly going to commit to the spiritual path, then we will be tested within relationships. Desperately holding things together by belts and braces is just not going to hold. We have to be core splittingly honest with each other. If you truly love someone, do they not deserve to hear the truth from you?
- Compassion: speaking our truth is fundamentally essential. But that doesn't mean we can't do so gently and with compassion - especially if 'today's news' is challenging. It is in the crucible of such inner fire, we can truly burn away the dross, such that compassion naturally unfolds its wings.
- Openness: We must become open to the fluid truth of the moment. Being in evolving, close relationships is sometimes just like being caught between the polarity of two magnets. If you hold a rigid position and you're not in profound truth, it can tear you apart. So we must be open to the tidal flows of feeling and emotion, always looking for the mast of centred openness.
- Unconditionality: We must learn to adapt to ever changing moods, intuit the relating experience that is currently being called for and unconditionally give ourselves to that expression. Sometimes your partner maybe a friend, sometimes a colleague or companion, then sometimes they'll be a lover. Sometimes you'll be distant, sometimes close. We're invited to embrace people the way they are, in that moment. And vice versa.
- Courage and bravery: to be this way is going to take a lot of courage and bravery. Your soul will call you to say and do things the effects of which, the ego will greatly fear - "what impact is that going to have?" The ego will be playing the mind games, frequently wondering what the outcome will be. We must have the courage and conviction to confront the ego, always coming from our highest truth, even if that would possibly lead to your separation.
- Self completeness: You're in relationship - a relating situation - but it's only truly going to work if you are being whole and complete within the engagement. Yes we're giving of ourselves, but we must first be ourselves in order to give! It's about finding love in the mirror, but not losing ourselves within it. We must walk the blade edge of self completeness but fully expressed.
- Empathy, acceptance and understanding: And here's the other side of the self completeness coin. We're not going to have meaningful and fulfilling relationships if we're not fully present and giving within them! An evolved relating experience invites us to unveil ever deeper levels of feeling empathy. The more we can feel the other, the more we feel ourselves and the more a mutually fulfilling energetic feedback loop is created. Both parties are lifted into a state that is so much more than the separate parts. Empathy, acceptance and understanding is the golden chalice from which both can drink.
Spaces in the togetherness
So redefining our relationships into "evolved relating" offers enormous potential for evolutionary growth. The expansion causes continual confrontation of society's dogma. It's like being in a crucible, where diamonds are forged.
Now, I greatly value and cherish the relating experiences in my life. And I find that by committing to my truth and allowing the other to honour their's, means that I feel more committed within these engagements rather than less. Paradoxically, the new openness generates greater respect, unconditionality and commitment to one another.
Just as a wheel is defined by the space between the spokes, it's the space within relationships that forges the togetherness:
"Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
In loving support
(Publishers - please publish with links intact and the Openhand brief biog. Thankyou <3)
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Peace with the situation
I think I'm at peace with the situations for the moment. I get plenty of personal space for my evolution and reacquaintance with my soul. I'm not being aware of much obligation or should's here. But i also figured there might be inner teenager and child identities to unravel for which they could play a part? Its getting clear to me they are not really ready to change the conditioned identities. Its also kind of sad that I dont feel really connected to the people I'm living close with. But i don't really share that heartfelt connection to anybody for that matter. Sometimes when there is arguments and general disharmony with in the family i kinda feels disoriented. After putting the comment yesterday i recognized there might be some spiritual identities that are at play here which cannot accept the expectations ,blame and the imperfections. But today morning i was much more at peace with my imperfections and theirs.
Accepting and all fine?
It sounds like you're accepting the situation and that it's all fine for you - right?
Connection with family
I wasn't gonna reply to this either :D but lets see what turns out of it. I feel really disconnected from my family nowadays. It feels like we are living in two different worlds altogether. In past not long before i have felt to be a bridge by asking questions but not now. I think i'm more connected to some of my friends or even my students( i don't like the word!) and of course Openhand. I think when there's less connection there's also less chance for inquiry around it. SO my inquiry has been around other things. I also find the conversation that takes place less meaningful and doesn't feel the need to engage at all. What remains is only a co-dependent one that's sort of accepted which doesn't pose much problem. We also doesn't come to terms in many things.
out of the blue
Thank you for the questions Open. I find it hard in places to take up space.
It's how he was killed I can't find acceptance with. It was an experience that made me question everything and a lot of things cleared but my mind struggles to come to terms with the brutality of it. My heart feels heavy before it happened this place felt magical to me but after it became tiring and testing on all levels. I experienced it happening out of the blue and that really rocked my world. What I feel is missing is finding a way to hold it that accepts it fully as it happened without buying into the fear
Dealing with the impact of sudden loss
In reply to out of the blue by Bianca
Yes I can understand the shock and brutality of losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly like that.
I invite you to contemplate this...
Whenever I have a challenge with something like that in the 3D, which we might call the microcosym, I always look to expand out into the bigger picture - the macrocosym. Because we are like avatars, playing out the bigger cosmic story but in a small, human way.
If you look out into the cosmos, creation and destruction are happening moment by moment on a vast scale - whole star systems can explode in an instant. For creation to happen at all, there has to be destruction. They are two sides of the same coin - destruction is construction when it contains the seeds of the future.
I guess, that because you frequently visit this site, you accept a number of things...
- at your core, you are the One, just like all of us
- that you reincarnate through countless lifetimes on a journey of self-realisation
- that all is interconnected and moving together
- that everything happens for a reason
And so what happened to your friend happened for a reason. Likewise, you manifested the event in your life to show you these various things. Principally, you are not human. You are a cosmic being having a human experience. Life can literally change on a dime, in an instant. Therefore we need to unwind and unravel identity with the microcosym, with the smallness. Enjoy it all yes, be engaged yes, but where you contract and tighten down around these kinds of events, work into the contraction, so as to unwind it and expand out as your cosmic self.
I felt to draw your attention to this article I reposted today which might help...
Evolved Insight into Processing the Grief of Loss
Much love and support
Exploring the pain of when a close friend passes on
I feel for you that your friend passed on. Perhaps you would care to elaborate on exactly how the pain manifests. Where do you feel it? What do you feel is missing - what can't you accept?
Much love and support
Finding companionship in the flow itself
Hi Charlie, great that you're prepared to be so open and honest - it's always a sure way to advancement
My relationships now are ones of truth and understanding. I'm not going to say that I'm not lonely sometimes for companionship. Not sure if this is a human trait or will it transcend with me when the time comes?
I think it is very much a human trait to be lonely - that companionship is generally a part of it. I'm not saying that's not a good thing, but of course any need for it does create identity, which means you can be victimised by relationships. I would say look for companionship within the flow itself, and let that manifest all around you. If you put time and attention into this, it grows. Loneliness disappears - that's what heppened for me back down the path (a pigeon has just started cooing outside my window!).
Sharing on human relating
In reply to Finding companionship in the flow itself by Open
Hope you don't mind me jumping in here with a questoin about your reply Open.
My question is regarding this..."I think it is very much a human trait to be lonely - that companionship is generally a part of it. I'm not saying that's not a good thing, but of course any need for it does create identity, which means you can be victimised by relationships." What do you mean by 'human'? Is human the part of the experience identified with the experience of the physical/emotional/mental?
I ask because I have been experiencing an ache that feels like it's in my actual bones, but it is also connected to physical insecurity and the feeling of seeking soothing from others. Feels almost like I am a baby yearning for physical touch/holding/swaddling. Maybe that's what it is...a physical yearning for connection. I find physical connection, like even a hug, very grounding. In the absence of this phsyical earthly connection, there is this achy empty feeling in the bones. I wonder how this is connected to expectations in the human experience...those bone feelings being met by another...I am working with it...there is abandonment and isolation, some panic and fear as well...I feel some resistance to not having the standard human relating experience...yet, having it and not having it both feel empty.
Experiencing the genetic karma of Modern Humanity?
In reply to Sharing on human relating by .Jen
Hi Jen - no problems with you jumping in - always good to see you!
What do I mean by 'human'? I believe and observe that it's so easy to identify with this human experience, in all the things that we do - it can bring your cosmic self down into the smallness. Don't get me wrong, there are many great things about the human experience, but to me, I see it also as quite contracted and compacted down, with various interdependencies. The invitation is to expand out of that, be your cosmic self, but also having a human experience (through mind, emotional and physical bodies). However, not to be limited or defined just by the human experience.
It's interesting/fascinating that you are experiencing "an ache in your bones" connected to physical insecurity and the "seeking of soothing" from others. Also you said, and this is the really interesting part.... "Feels almost like I am a baby yearning for physical touch/holding/swaddling".
My sense is you're experiencing genetic karma, relating back to how Homo Sapiens was truly birthed here during the intervention. That it was very sterile, clinical, and without the support of biological parents. This was during the time of Atlantis, where the intervention really took root. It would be worth connecting with Marije on this, whose in Africa, which is where this all took place - I do believe you're having related experiences.
Keep feeling through, keep unwinding, keep unravelling.
Infants and anxiety
In reply to Experiencing the genetic karma of Modern Humanity? by Open
Thank you for the clarification of what you mean by 'human'... That all makes sense to me.
With regard to the feelings I am experiencing of being a baby yearning for holding/swaddling... I am now also waking up with anxiety, plagued by a lot of feelings of guilt around breastfeeding, vaccination, circumcisions...i will connect with Marije - we have shared a lot of parallels within our felt experience. Thank you for the reflection of possibilities.
Thanks for your fearless jumping, Jen
In reply to Sharing on human relating by .Jen
Thanks for your fearless jumping. Last night a friend drop by and for what ever reason for sometime now he has been trying to convince me or himself that his life has changed the way I have. Yet his true self reveals every time he is around. I never buy into what he says or does and when he finishes, he ask what I think. I tell him my truth and he gets angry then calms down and says, that is why I like you. My point is that he hugs me and it just fells wrong, like his intent is to rob me of my light you could say, my spirit. The world I have let go of. Yet this world has people like you and Open and all the other wonderful Openhanders here that when I think of hugging you guys it makes me warm inside, safe in this human form. Open is this not the feeling of the cosmic self in human form and why we come back to here? Is this not why we are experiencing the here and now? Is this not how we get back to the source? Jen you opened up another can of worms.LOL
I too wasn't going to reply to this. I've let go of all the people that weren't serving me but I find it hard to let new people into my life, a friend passed on a few years ago and I'm still caught up in the pain. I'm in a financial codependent relationship with my parents. I really needed that help but now I feel ready to move on
Hi Open, I wasn't going to respond to this, but here I am. As I look back into this life here, things seem to be more clear to me. How my life interacted with others has been for the most part what I could do or would do for other, even knowing what the consequences may be was how I fit into the relationships. Like a saying that comes to mind " Ask Mikey, he will do anything". The more I sit with this the more I realized how much of a lone wolf I was. With a feeling to lead the pack just to feel part of it. when there was no need for me, I would be left aside until the next time. I was a Bad Ass with compassion. I guess this aloud me to fit into 2 groups, the tough guys and the shy guys, and I was good at both. A bully of bullies. The ability to be fearless at the same time, the shield to help the innocent. It sounds like I'm trying to toot my own horn but this is not the case here it is just how I see it.
You know for the most part when looking at how I expressed myself in the past was looked at as having attitude and said that I just wanted attention from my elders, siblings and peers. Now I see how wrong their were. I am ok with how people see or feel about me now and understand that this is their truth.
I have had 2 long term relationships. One that I tried to control. This is the one that my kids are from. That lasted from 1979 to 1988 with a lot of shipwrecks along the way. I stayed near with the feeling of loneliness, wanting the relationship to magically repair it self. After 6 years I gave up and moved away.
The second relationship all I wanted to do was what she wanted. That lasted 20 years with a lot of changing in myself. I feel that this was all for the right reasons. Throughout my life I've always sensed the things I do had a feeling of rightness.
I thought I knew what love is but the definition keeps changing. I guess I mean it keeps growing like the feeling of rightness.
My relationships now are ones of truth and understanding. I'm not going to say that I'm not lonely sometimes for companionship. Not sure if this is a human trait or will it transcend with me when the time comes?
How are you finding your relationships shifting?
I felt to repost this article today - relationships can be such a powerful crucible for evolutionary growth - but it's essential to establish natural boundaries that honour your truth in them, so there's maximum freedom of expression and space for evolutionary change. How are you finding your relationships shifting? Feel free to explore here with me...
In order to advance, we must be here now!
Yes - it's a wonderful paradox isn't it...
In order to advance, we must be totally here now!
Thanks for sharing
Dancing the Dance
A pattern which I have recently noticed in myself is being somewhat within; distracted by a desire to evolve and process, not bringing full attention or expression to the moment. And also some recent unravelling around the subtleties of controlling and shaping reality.
What blessings: These unravellings have left me freer and lighter to embrace conscious connection within my relationships. To feel the fluency of the flow, deeper and truer, quality not quantity. Unfolding has become beautiful, easy.
So as each soul enters the stage with me, I choose to dance the dance, honouring the fluency, the spaces... the connections...
to embrace, lift and hold, to pirouette, look into eyes and soul, with passion and fun, bringing everything that i am.
and i see so much more... feel so much more... bring so much more... receive so much more...
Feeling deep gratitude for each relationship, for each co-created moment and for this article xxx
Perfect timing on this post! Thank you so much!
Great timing :)
It is interesting how I might 'know' these things, but it is not until truly living them, confronting and dealing with all the stuff, that I really get it. It has to fall into my consciousness, has to be sealed by the fire burning all the bullshit.
And it is amazing how it is when communicating and 'relating' with others that all the lies ad the truths can be so well, so undeniably felt.
I have a long way to go, but I feel excited about it now :) I'm gonna find me!! Wow hhhh
Thanks so much for this article. It is certainly timely for me. I feel the squeeze of relationship right now very keenly. I see that in general I am given to expansion and exploration and alternately, my husband finds deeper meaning in repeated passes through the familiar. This difference is being unmistakably highlighted right now! I feel him as a restriction to me, even as I acknowledge that all limitations to myself are only internal. I am learning a great deal in this crucible, none of which is comfortable but all of which is beautiful.
I also have had the rather wondrous realization lately that in relationship to god energy, I have most consistently projected it as "other" and am in the process of looking at that mirror and learning to integrate. I think the urge to separate the divine into other stems from both a sense of unworthiness (which, as I type that, strikes me as a mind/ego game, simply another way to buy time) and also a bit of a desire to skirt responsibility. If I am to see and claim all of who I AM, well, that's a game changer, isn't it? And THAT is what I am interested in! (while, in honesty, acknowledging my fear). Thanks for the food for thought.
Have so much to learn-and the desire to get to the Truth.
Just realized that the relationship that I have the most difficulty with is with God-Source!
A lot more work to be done.
What does this mean?
God, it has happened again.I feel so frustrated.
An hour of work and lost it by pressing the wrong key.
I could strangle someone, namely the one mentioned in the first word.
Obviously this stuff was just meant for me!
Aligning with Divine will, is Challenging; and I say this with grinding teeth.
Hi, Thank you. Yeah i
Thank you. Yeah i understand what you mean now.
Degrees of expectation
Yes in the article I do also talk about the responsibility I feel with regards to children. Of course it's a natural part of beingness to feel protective and supportive for example. And yes, it's great if a child can rely on parents for this.
In terms of expectation around the parent/child relationship, what I'm really talking about is how much we each get pigeon-holed and therefore certain things are taken for granted and projections happen.
For example, it became really clear to me that one son was dealing with the karma of abandonment in a previous life. So in this life, there were all kinds of expectations about what I should or shouldn't do. And a lot of anger was projected if I didn't feel to live up to those expectations: "Dad's are supposed to do this and that."
When we let go of the Dad mantel, the karma dissolved with it (for the most part), so he could relate to me exactly as he finds me.
So if he asks me to play football and I say I'm busy, he doesn't get angry anymore and accepts it. He finds something else to do. It's empowering for him and I don't feel weighed down by that responsibility.
I'll play football (etc) as and when it feels aligned and I'm given to.
Thank you for this article.
In relation to the parent-child relationship, i understand what you are saying and it makes sense. The expectations that we have for our parents. However isn't it normal to have some expectations about your parents. That they will take care of you for example (when you are younger)?
The other day we were talking about the fact that i got angry with my mam for a situation. Yeah i did got angry because i have some expectations and i recognize now that i shouldnt have. And i also got angry because i can't control the situation. im working on it.
But from the perspective of my brother who is younger and he is aware of many things, isnt it normal for him to expect that his parents would be more responsible?
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